Beautiful Mystery
by eloquences
Summary: After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page.
1. First Time

**A/N:** Fancy seeing you here! This was supposed to be something entirely different, but I like the way it turned out, and hopefully you guys do too. :) There's honestly not much to say other than they're in their first year of university. Anyway, enjoy! If you have any questions feel free to leave them in a review! I'd love to see what you guys think of this!

* * *

**Summary:** _After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page._

* * *

Death is inevitable.

It's certain and unavoidable.

The death of a family member. A friend. A loved one. It's bound to happen sooner or later.

So when it does happen, why does it affect us so much?

I ask myself that question repeatedly as my finger shakes between the pages of the book I'm reading. My free hand is up to my mouth, clothed in the sleeve of my sweater and hiding my quivering lips. Tears slip from my eyes and down my cheeks like Niagara Falls. I try to minimize the sounds that escape from my lips as I sob quietly in the back of the library at a secluded table in the corner. The words on the page are blurry and I can't seem to focus my gaze. My tears keep getting in the way.

Maybe it was a bad idea to choose this book.

Maybe I should've stopped when I realized that it could only end with one possible outcome.

Maybe I was overreacting.

But something about death makes my heart clench and my stomach drop. Whether it's by accident or on purpose. And in this case, it was very well thought out.

_Thirteen Reasons_ _Why_ by _Jay Asher_ was certainly an emotional roller-coaster. I wasn't even sure why I was crying. Maybe it was because I felt bad for Clay. Maybe it was the fact that I hated that Hannah had taken her own life. Maybe it was the fact that they didn't even have a chance.

Either way, I was crying.

Shakily, I wipe my tears with the hand that isn't holding the book, trying to calm myself down. When my vision is clear and I can finally breathe properly again I glance around the library. I'm alone still. Hardly anyone comes around this area of the library, and I'm thankful for that.

As I move my gaze towards the book in my hands, something catches my attention.

I'm not alone.

Someone is standing at the end of a book shelf, partly hidden by the light brown wood. His eyes are locked on the book I'm reading, and then they're on me. I quickly avert my gaze before he realizes I have noticed him and act like I'm still oblivious to his presence. I shake my head slightly and look at him through the small curtain I have created with my hair. His hand is gripping the backpack on his shoulder, his dark hair cascading a shadow over his eyes, his lips parted as he watches me. His attire makes me question why he would be in the library on a Saturday; gray t-shirt with black jeans and combat boots.

I pretend to continue reading as I hold the book up more, showing him the cover. He seems interested in the book; maybe that's why he's still staring at me. I watch as his eyes zero in on the book in my hands, his interest bluntly obvious, letting me know my assumption was correct.

Then, like he had gotten what he had come for, he turns on his heel and disappears from my vision.

Turning my attention back to the book, I continue to read until I finish.

An hour and a half later, I'm seated in the passenger seat of my step-brother's truck. I watch the world go by through the window as Jake scans through the stations, unable to decide on what song he'd prefer to listen to. He finally settles on one and I sigh softly. My elbow rests upon the edge of the window, my cheek pressed to my knuckles.

"I read a book about suicide today." I say softly.

Jake sighs. "You can't keep doing this to yourself, Clare."

"It was a good book," I counter. I don't see what the big deal is.

Jake pauses. "Tell me about it."

I raise my eyebrows before slowly turning to face him as he drives. I go into detail about the book. I tell him how it starts, what happens, why it happened, the ending, and how I reacted.

He's quiet for a while. Jake's head falls to the head rest as we pull up to a stop light. "I'm worried about you, Clare."

"Why? I'm fine." My voice is harsher than I'd intended.

"You're not fine. You're better than you were, but you're not fine," he explains.

I close my eyes. "Don't tell mom or Glen."

Jake's quiet for a moment. I open my eyes to look at him. The light turns green and we're off. He lets out a puff of air.

"I won't say anything as long as you see your therapist," he says finally. I'm quiet for a moment. "I know you missed your last two sessions."

"I don't need to see a therapist, Jake. _I'm fine_."

We're quiet for a while. The only noise in the truck is from the radio. I turn my head and watch the world go by once again. When we pull up to our old house, I stay seated in the truck, knowing fully well that Jake has more to say.

"I know you miss Cam. But it's been a year. I'm worried about you, okay? Please, just, go to another session." Jake's voice is pleading and I feel a tug at my heart. He's scared that I'll end up like Cam. He's worried that I'll take my own life, just as he did.

"Okay."

* * *

The next day I walk out of my therapist's office feeling worse than when I entered. And these things are supposed to help how?

_Oh, you've had a traumatic experience? Let's talk about it so you can feel even more like shit._

What good does that do? I didn't talk about it before and I'm not going to talk about it now. God I hate these things. I hate people who try and force me to talk. If I wanted to talk, I'd talk. But I don't, so get the fuck out of my face. You don't know what you're talking about.

I want to scream and rip at my hair because nobody fucking understands. I just want to go to the library and read a book.

As I pass the chairs in the waiting area, I notice someone lounging in one of them. It's the boy from the library; the one who stared at me. One of his legs is dangling off the arm of the chair as he sits comfortably, his back pressed into the leather. There's a book in his hand; _Thirteen Reasons Why_ by _Jay Asher_. My lips part slightly as I walk passed him. He doesn't notice me; his eyes are glued to the page he's on, his lips moving fervently as he mouths the words to himself, eager to get to the end.

Is that why he was staring at me yesterday? Because he wanted to know the book I was reading? For a moment I feel embarrassed that he's reading the same book that made me cry like a baby. But it slowly fades as I realize he seemed interested enough as to _why_ I was crying to actually read the book.

Just as I enter the elevator that brings me to the main floor, I watch him as he shakes his foot absentmindedly, his eyes never leaving the page he's on. He looks up when the same therapist I saw exits the room and calls his name, and I watch as he picks up his backpack, slings it over his shoulder and walks into the room, all while holding up the book so he can read.

The elevator doors close, leaving me alone to wonder why he needs to see a therapist.

* * *

"_Cam?" _

"_What?"_

"_You can let go of me now."_

_I feel his breath hit my neck as he exhales softly. "Clare, thank you. For being my friend."_

_My eyebrows pull together as I unwind my arms from around him to push at his shoulders so I can see his face. "Are you okay?"_

_I watch as he smiles, though it doesn't reach his eyes. He nods once, "I'm fine. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. You're my best friend."_

_I smile and mess up his hair, "Oh stop, you're making me blush." _

_Cam laughs and pulls me in for one more hug. I smile and return it, feeling the sun shine down on my face. _

"_Promise me you won't ever change, Clare." _

"_Uh, okay. I promise." _

"_Good."_

_I pull back and smile at him, "See you tomorrow."_

_He pauses for a moment and I frown. He cracks a grin and nods once again, "Yeah. See you."_

_I watch as he turns and walks down the steps of my front porch. His short frame gets smaller and smaller the more he walks away, and I notice the sun shining down on his hair, making it look as if it's glowing. He turns and eyes me for a moment, a sad smile curving his lips. He lifts a hand and waves at me, so I return it. _

_And then he's gone._

I wake with a jolt. The room is dark and I quickly reach for my phone to shine a light. I take notice of my bedroom and sigh contently, letting my head fall back into the pillow. I let the memory play in my mind for a minute before I put my phone back to its original spot on my night stand and turn on my side, my eyes wide.

I replay the last time I saw Cam alive in my head over and over again, feeling an empty void in my chest. Maybe I should've stopped him. Maybe I should've called him out on his weird behaviour. Maybe I should've been a better friend and stayed with him to make sure he was okay. Maybe I should've stuck to my initial instinct that something was wrong and helped him.

Maybe if I had done those things, he would still be alive.

* * *

Monday dragged on for longer than I would've liked. Classes seemed longer and lesson's seemed more boring than usual. By the time I finished my last class I was already mentally searching the stacks of books at the library, looking for the next book I would dive into.

The library is busier than it was during the weekend. Students are spread around, getting caught up on some classes or assignments, typing away at the computers or speed reading through a text book. I make my way to my normal spot and set my things down before I move to scan the shelves. I find a book rather quickly, not even waiting long enough to return to my table before opening it up and beginning to read. I sat down and blocked out the world with every passing word.

By the time I was halfway through the book, it was nearly five. I laugh to myself as I read one of the character's lines, finding it funnier than I'm sure it was meant to be. I turn the page and keep reading, a small smile glued to my face. This book is a lot happier than I though it would be, but I find it too good to put down without finishing. When my phone beeps with a text from Jake asking how my therapy session went, I realize it was nearly eight-thirty. I was almost done the book when I typed back a lame response, telling him it went fine.

I glance up to see how many people are left in the library, and that's when I see him; the same boy that watched me on Saturday, and just so happened to have a therapy session on the same day that I did. This time, he was already looking for a book. I watch as he found what he was looking for, pulling it from the shelf. I eye him curiously when I see that the book he had chosen was a copy of the one that was placed in my hands at the moment. When he turns his head to cast a quick glance my way, I make sure to make myself look busy as he stares at me for a moment too long.

I watch his feet move as he walks away from the shelf and around the corner, disappearing once again. This time, I place a loose piece of paper I had between the pages of the book before I close it. I stand up and make my way to the shelf I had seen him standing at two days before, looking around the corner. He's at the front desk, requesting to rent out the book. I watch him as the lady scans the book and his card before handing both back to him. She smiles at him and he returns it with a nod before turning on his feet and making a B-line for the door.

I return to my seat and rush to finish the book. When I'm done I put it back in its rightful place before searching for another one. When I find one that sparks my interest I grab it and make my way to the front desk. I check out the book and then exit the library, keeping in mind that they close around nine.

Jake calls me as I walk home.

"How did it go?"

"Fine," I say into the receiver.

"Enough with the '_fine'_, Clare. I want a real answer."

I huff in aggravation, "She made me feel uncomfortable and angry and tried to get me to talk about my dead best friend. It was a splendid experience, Jake. I recommend you pick up a session, too. It totally helps."

My voice was high pitched and laced with sarcasm as I hoped he would get the message that I'd rather not go back there.

"Quit being so against getting help and maybe you'll feel better. You need to move on, Clare."

I stop in my tracks and breathe deeply, my anger getting the best of me. "You want me to forget? He told me to never forget! I promised I wouldn't forget, Jake!"

"Clare, that's not what-"

"God, you're such an asshole. How can you even _say_ that? I need to move on? You know what? Fuck you. He was my best friend, Jake, and he _killed_ himself. How the hell am I supposed to just _move on_ from that?"

My head hurt and my eyes stung, but there were people around and I didn't want to start a scene. I began walking again as Jake started talking.

"Stop putting words into my mouth. I'm just worried."

"I know, Jake. I know you're worried because you tell me every time you see me. I may be a little fucked up but I'm not going to kill myself. So stop trying to fix me; I'm bent, not broken. Goodnight."

I hang up before he has a chance to speak.

I make a sharp turn around a building and, before I can blink, collide with someone. My bag falls to the floor, papers and pens and books spilling from it. I quickly steady myself before sighing exhaustedly and leaning down to collect my things.

"Shit, I'm sorry." I hear a voice from above me before another pair of hands is scattering to help me pick up my things.

"It's okay," I say without looking up. "Thanks," I respond when they hand me a few pieces of papers that broke free. I place my things back in my bag and we stand. Glancing up, my eyes widen slightly when I come face to face with Mr. Stalker-who-reads-the-same-books-as-me. He seems just as surprised as I am by our encounter as he hands me back the book I had rented from the library, his eyes lingering on the title. I place the book in my bag and look up at him.

I take notice of the book in his hand and shift my weight onto my other foot when I see it's the one I had just finished reading, the one he had just checked out.

I tap the cover with my fingernail. "It's really good. Funny, too."

He looks at the book in his hands before returning his gaze to my eyes. His lips curl on one side, "I'm only on chapter four, but so far so good."

I give a nod as he adjusts the strap of his backpack. I purse my lips and subtly begin to walk around him slowly, his body turning with mine. He watches me as I try to walk around him, his eyebrows raised amusedly.

I give a small smile before I turn to walk away.

"Hey," he calls out and I pause, turning. He licks the corner of his mouth and clicks his tongue, "As for _Thirteen Reasons Why_, I cried, too."

I feel my cheeks flame as I let out a short laugh, "Good to know."

He smirks, "Just don't tell anybody. I got a reputation to maintain."

He winks, and just like that, he's gone.


	2. Shame on Us

**A/N:** Well damn you guys are the best. Thank you so much for the follows and reviews and favourites! I'm so glad you guys like this story! I have so much in store for you guys and I hope you'll stick with me through it all! It'll be a bumpy ride, but I promise it'll be worth it! Here's chapter two; enjoy!

* * *

**Summary:** _After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page._

* * *

As I pass by the front desk in the library, I hold out the book I rented out yesterday to toss in the _return_ slot. Just before I do though, I notice Mr. Strange-boy-with-lingering-eyes sitting at a table a few feet away. I chew on my bottom lip before I grip the book in my hand, forcing my feet to move. For a moment I don't know what I'm doing, but I don't stop long enough to think about it. I make my way over to his table, noticing the ear phones on his head as he taps his pencil to the music. There are papers scattered in front of him, his eyes reading the words from the text book that is placed in front of him.

I stop at the end of the table, watching as his movements pause when he takes notice of my presence. He looks up slowly, his hand reaching up to remove the headphones from his head. I place the book on my end of the table and push it towards him, watching it slide across the table until it hits the corner of his text book.

"It's still in my name, so don't lose it," I say.

He looks at the book for a moment before raising his gaze to meet mine, giving a nod, as if accepting my gesture. I let my gaze wander over the papers in front of him before my eyes catch a word scribbled in the corner of one the pieces.

Elijah.

_Strange name for a strange boy. _

"Thanks," he says quietly.

I purse my lips and nod once as I rock on the back of my heels. Without another word, I turn on my heel and make my way to my usual table. I scan the shelves until I find a book that sparks my interest and begin to read. Hours pass as I flip page after page, excited to get to the end of the book. Just as I am about to start a new chapter, a movement in my peripheral vision makes me glance up.

That Elijah boy is storming towards me, his back pack nearly falling off of his shoulder, the book I had given him gripped in his hands. He reaches my table and throws the book down on it, his bag falling to the ground.

"A warning would have been nice," he says. I stare at him, blinking in confusion. "I just got to the_ after_ part, and I don't know whether I should keep reading or give up because that is the worst thing that he could have ever done."

I realize he's talking about _John Green_ and the direction he had taken in the book _Looking For Alaska_. He waits for a reply from me, but I'm unsure of what to say.

"I'm sorry," I squeak out.

He stares at me for a moment, blinking as if I had just spoken a foreign language. He sighs and collapses in the empty chair at the end of the table and crosses his arms on the table, letting his head fall to rest on them. I glance around the library, unsure of what to do. This boy just practically incited himself to my table, invading my personal space. But when I look back at him, I can't find it in me to tell him to get lost.

"I don't know what to do," he mumbles.

I find my lips curling at how much he has been affected by the book. I reach over to grab it and flip through the pages.

"You know if you don't finish it you're going to go insane, right? Don't you want to know what happens? Why she freaked out like that?" I ask, watching him.

He doesn't life his head as he says, "Can't you just tell me?"

I grin, "What's the fun in that?"

He finally lifts his head and looks at me. I wave the book in my hands and watch as he rolls his eyes before holding out his hand. I toss the book at him and he catches it without any effort. He opens the book to the last page he was on and resumes reading.

"This better be worth it," he mutters, eyeing me as I open my own book back up.

I smile and shrug as we both return to our books.

A few more hours pass before we're told there's only half an hour left before the library closes. I finished my book a while ago, so I had pulled out my text book and started on the assignment that was due tomorrow. I was just about done when it hit eight forty-five.

My pen slid across the page when I jumped from Elijah throwing the book down on the table and pressing his hands to his face.

"How did I not see that coming?" His voice is aggravated. I wonder if he wants me to answer or not before deciding to just return to my work. He puts his hands down and looks at me.

I chew on the end of my pen, "You're questioning your existence right now, aren't you?"

He frowns, "How did you know?"

I let out a short laugh and close my text book. "I reacted the same way when I finished, don't worry."

He presses his lips in a thin line and eyes the book that sat in front of me, the one I had just finished reading today. For a moment I watch him as he stares at it, wondering exactly why he takes so much interest in the books I read. Maybe he can't make a decision on his own and decides it would be easier to just take my recommendations?

Still, I have never met anyone else who read as much as I do, let alone enjoys it like I do. Something about him makes me question everything, just like many of the books I read.

I use my pen to push the book towards him, "It's all yours." He grabs it and picks at the corner with his thumb. I purse my lips, "I'm Clare, by the way."

He opens his mouth to say something, but then shuts it just as fast. His lips curl on one side of his mouth, "I'm Eli."

For a moment I'm a bit disappointed that he shortens his name; I like his full name, it's different, much like him. I keep my thoughts to myself and stand to gather my things into a pile. I leave the table and make my way to one of the shelves, scanning them for longer than I usually do. A title of a book that I have been meaning to read catches my eye and I pick it up without hesitation. I make my way back to the table where Eli is still seated and place it on top of my text books.

I throw my bag on my shoulder and gather my books in my arms, watching as he stands and picks his backpack up, slinging it over his shoulder as well. He grabs the two books he has and we both make our way to the front desk. I check out my new book while he shoves _Looking For Alaska_ in the return box. We exit the library and begin walking. He pauses in the parking lot when he notices me heading for the sidewalk.

I watch him as he opens his mouth to say something, but thinks better of it and snaps it shut. He swirls his keys around his finger and presses his lips together before giving me a small wave and hopping in his black charger. I watch him drive away and speed down the road, feeling my lips twist to the side in wonder.

"What a strange guy," I mutter to myself. I turn to walk towards my apartment, my mind still swirling with thoughts of our strange encounter. "Elijah," I whisper, testing the word on my tongue. I smile to myself.

* * *

"How are you?"

I scoff, "I hate that question."

Dr. Dawes, my therapist, taps her pen on the notepad in front of her. She tilts her head as she looks at me through her glasses. "Why is that?"

"You don't _really_ care how I am. You get paid either way," I say, my voice harsh. I really hate it here. Stepping into the room I could feel my whole demeanour change, my irritation easily showing. The room has an unwanted feeling to it, silently telling me what I already know; I'm a burden. To Jake, to my family, to the one friend I actually have and she doesn't even really count because she's Jake's girlfriend. I haven't been the same since Cam, and I doubt I ever will be.

"You don't think people care about you?" Dr. Dawes asks.

I narrow my eyes at her and clasp my hands together. "I didn't say that. I have a step brother who cares too much and parents who won't leave me alone in fear of me killing myself."

"Jake is his name, correct?" She asks and I nod. She smiles, "He's worried, Clare."

I roll my eyes. "I know, I know, I _know_. Everyone's worried that the memories of finding Cam will get too much. They think the guilt will get to me and I'll end up like him."

"You feel guilty?"

I sigh and rub my forehead. "I feel like if I was a better friend he wouldn't have done it."

She nods and scribbles something on her note pad, making me roll my eyes. "It wasn't your fault, Clare."

I grind my teeth. "You know, people keep telling me that he was depressed and that he was stressed out with school and hockey and being away from his family and that's why he did it. I _knew_ he wasn't completely okay, and I still let him walk away that day. If I would have stopped him and let him know that I was there for him and that I cared for him and that he wasn't alone, maybe he'd still be here."

"You have to stop blaming yourself. You said that he told you to never change?" I nod. "Well, maybe he had already considered you in his decision. He knew you would be affected in some way; telling you that was his way of letting you know it's okay to be sad and miss him, but you can't keep blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault."

I shake my head and look at the ceiling. "Don't talk about him like you knew him." The room is quiet for a moment and I glance at the clock. "Time's up. See you next time, doc."

I stand from the couch and walk out of the door before she can stop me. Jake is seated in the waiting area, his leg nervously shaking up and down. He stands when he sees me, anxious to know how it went.

"Well?"

I put on a fake grin and sarcastically say, "She really opened my eyes, Jake. Instead of feeling like I'm a burden to my family I fell all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm seeing rainbows and butterflies."

He gives me a look and I drop my smile, crossing my arms. "How do you think it went?"

"You're so difficult."

We begin to walk towards the elevator and Jake pushes the button, and only after a few seconds pass do the doors open. My lips part when I take notice of the person walking out of the elevators. Eli looks up and catches my gaze, his eyes widening like saucers. Our eyes stay locked as he passes me, my body slowly turning to face him as he does. We stop as Jake steps into the elevator, waiting for me.

"What are you doing here?" Eli asks in a low tone.

I lift my chin, "I could ask you the same question."

He lets out a breath of air and runs a hand through his hair, his eyes darting around the room. "Um…"

I hold up my hand, "Stop." His eyes dart back to mine. "I'm not going to tell you my reason, so you don't have to tell me yours." I shrug and I watch as he visibly relaxes.

"Jesus Clare, hurry up. I'm hungry." Jake grumbles from behind me. I don't turn around. Instead, I watch as Eli takes notice of him. He studies him for a moment before turning back to me.

"Have fun," he says, and I take my cue to leave. I give a nod and spin on my right heel before joining Jake in the elevator. He reaches over to poke my cheek and I swat his hand away, giving him a displeased look as he chuckles.

My eyes return to Eli's and we stare at each other until the doors close, separating us.

"So, I'm going back to Helen's and Dad's tomorrow. Katie and I are still apartment hunting. That means I won't be here to force you to your sessions. Promise me you'll go," Jake says as we stand in the elevator.

I rub my face, "I told you I'm fine. I don't feel the need to kill myself and I won't any time soon."

"How can you be so sure?"

I twist my lips, "There are still so many books to read."

Jake lets out a laugh and nudges me with his elbow. "Okay, okay. But I'd still like you to see Dr. Dawes. Just while I'm gone. If I get back and I see that you are, in fact, _fine_, you won't have to see her anymore."

I look up at him with hope, "Really?"

He nods, "Really."

I turn and wrap my arms around him.

"You're not so bad after all," I say as the doors open. Jake laughs as we exit the elevator.

* * *

Jake had stopped by the University during lunch to say goodbye. After a long talk about making sure I go to my sessions and to call him if I need anything, he was off. By the end of the day I had found myself in the library again, deciding to begin reading the book I had rented out two days ago.

I sat down at my usual spot, diving into the book. The first few pages of the book made my breath hitch, my heart rate rise and my eyes sting. I grinded my teeth as I continued to read, thankful when I was a few chapters in. I read until I was a few pages from finishing, taking a break to take a sip of water from the water bottle I had in my bag.

Just as I pick the book up to read, I catch Eli shoving a book into the return box. My eyes follow him as he makes his way to a certain area of library. Before I'm fully aware of what I'm doing, I stand and follow him. I walk beside him on the other side of the shelf, realizing he has yet to notice me. He scans the shelves, his teeth tugging at his bottom lip. As I pass the books on my side of the shelf, one catches my eyes and I grab it. Just as we make it to the end of the shelf, we both turn the corner, his body nearly colliding with mine.

He jumps slightly and steps back. "Jesus," he curses. His hand is placed firmly on his chest as he lets out a shallow breath.

I scared him.

I hand the book in my hand to him. "Here."

He chews on the inside of his cheek as he takes the book from my hand slowly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Without a word, I turn and return to my table. I sit and grab my book before continuing to read. I look up when Eli begins to make his way past me, the book I picked out gripped in his hands. Just as he makes it to my table, I swiftly lift my leg and kick one of the chairs beside me out so it pushes back from the table. I silently hope he would get my hint.

He stops in his tracks, nearly tripping over the chair that now blocked his path. I look up when he turns to look at me, an eyebrow raised in question. I shrug. He sits.

He stares at me for a while as I continue to read. I try my hardest not to look at him, hoping I don't give myself away. I enjoy his company, and I would hate for him to know it.

"What?" I grumble when his staring becomes too much.

"You're not going to ask why I go to therapy?"

I'll admit I am curious, but if I let him tell me his reason, he'd expect one from me.

"It's your business, not mine," I say, turning a page in my book.

I glance at him and see he's fighting a smile before returning my gaze to the book in my hands. He stretches out in the chair and opens the new book I picked out for him.

"What are you reading?" He asks. I lift my book up to flash him the cover. "Is it good?"

I bite my lip and give a nod. I refrain from telling him how much I relate to the book and continue reading _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_. We sit and read for a while. When I finish the book I stay seated with my arms crossed across my chest, my mind too busy swarming with thoughts to force me to get up and grab a new book for the night. I stare at a wall on the far end of the library, thinking about what I'm going to eat for supper tonight.

"Is he your boyfriend?"

I look over when Eli speaks, realizing he's put the book down and is focused on me. I tilt my head in question, "Who?"

"That guy you were with yesterday."

I make a distasteful face at him and shake my head, "Step brother."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

I raise an eyebrow at his bluntness. He doesn't seem fazed by his straightforwardness. I lean forward on the table and clasp my hands together. "Why do you want to know?"

His lips curl on one side, "I'd like to know if I'll be getting my ass kicked by a jealous boyfriend any time soon for hanging out with you."

I roll my eyes and lean back in my chair, "No boyfriend. You're off the hook." He nods his head once and scratches his cheek. "What about you, huh? Should I keep an eye out for a crazy girlfriend looking to rip my hair out?"

He lets out a small chuckle, "Nope. I'm super single."

I clamp my hand over my mouth when I bark out a laugh, my eyes wide at the noise I made. Eli laughs to himself at my reaction as I shake my head, trying to calm myself down. I reach into my bag and pull out a piece of gum for myself.

"I cannot believe you just said that."

"Believe it, honey. I said it, and I regret nothing." He grins at me.

I close my eyes and laugh softly. "You're so strange," I say as I throw a piece of gum at him. He catches it and fiddles with the wrapper.

"I've been called worse."

I watch as he chews his piece of gum, his eyes glued to mine. I tilt my head at him, wondering what he's thinking. He doesn't even try to make his staring subtle, so I don't either. We have a silent staring contest, my fingers absentmindedly playing with the sleeve of my sweater. One of his legs is spread out, the other bent as he bobs his knee up and down.

"Why did you read _Thirteen Reason Why_?" I blurt.

He licks his lips and thinks for a moment. "I saw you crying." He pauses and looks at me, waiting for my reaction. Already knowing this information, I make no move to even act surprised. He continues, "At first I was going to see if you were alright, but then I realized you were crying because of the book you were reading. I've never read something that moved me enough to make me get emotional like you did, so I figured I'd give it shot." He shrugs and averts his gaze to his shoe.

"Were you serious when you told me you cried?" That question has bothered me for a while.

He clicks his tongue, "Yes."

"How much?"

Eli lets out a small laugh at my curiosity. If he's going to be blunt, so will I. "Just a little. Can we move on?"

I press my lips together to suppress my smile, failing, and nod. I reach for _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_ and slide it to him.

"This is for when you're done that," I point to the book in front of him, the one I had picked out.

"You know, I haven't had much free time since you started giving me all of these books to read."

I raise an eyebrow, "Are you complaining?"

He cracks a grin, his eyes sparkling with mirth and an emotion I can't quite name. "Definitely not."


	3. Favourite Worst Nightmare

**A/N:** Since its Spring Break I decided to update early! Thank you so much for your reviews and favorites and follows; I appreciate every single one of them. Thank you for your support! This chapter is kind of a filler, but I hope you still enjoy it! **ALSO** I have a collaboration with goldsworthys called _Halcyon_; I'd really appreciate it if you checked it out!

**To the guest that asked if I could write a sequel to Situations: **Honestly, I never thought about it. Right now I have too much on my plate to even think about continuing that story. I'm currently in the middle of two stories, plus school and work; I'd have no time! But in the future if inspiration hits and I have time, I'd be more than happy to continue it. :)

* * *

**Summary:** _After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page._

* * *

Walking into the library on Friday, I raised a questioning eyebrow at Eli, who sat in my usual seat. His legs were propped up on a nearby chair, his hands occupied by a book in his hand. His eyes never left the book as I walked up, placing my things on the table.

"You're late," he says, his eyes never leaving the page he's on.

"You're in my spot," I counter. I've noticed just how easy it is to talk to him. I don't feel awkward or uncomfortable in his presence like I do when I meet knew people. Since the beginning he's never made me want to leave his side before I have to. He's strange and unlike anyone I've ever met, and I can't seem to figure out why I like his company so much.

He looks up and smirks. "I know."

"Can you move?"

He closes his book and sets it aside, moving to sit up in his chair. He ignores my question and says, "I have a proposal."

"You'll have to take me to dinner first," I say, moving to sit on the table. Throughout the short amount of time I've known Eli, I've come to the realization that he likes to joke around a lot. I've almost gotten the hang of it.

"How about a concert instead?"

I widen my eyes at his response. For a moment I'm speechless. His gaze is unfaltering from mine, making me a tad bit nervous. For the first time since meeting Eli, I actually wish he wasn't so blunt.

"Did everyone else say no?" I try to steer the conversation elsewhere.

"I haven't asked anyone else," he says, crossing his arms.

I roll my eyes, "God, you're so weird." I'm hoping to avoid his question as long as possible. I don't know what to say and I don't want to give an answer. I'm not sure I'm ready to say yes, and if I say no, I'm afraid he'll take that as a goodbye.

"Are you going to answer me or not?" He asks. He sounds amused rather than impatient.

"Who's concert?" I test the waters.

"_Arctic Monkeys_."

I almost squeal like a little girl, crossing one of my legs over the other to stop myself from jumping up and down with excitement. Of course it would be one of my favorite bands.

"I'm busy."

He eyes me curiously. "I haven't even told you when it is."

Shit.

Oh _shit_.

I'm sinking. I messed up.

"Well whenever it is, I'm busy."

_Way to go, Clare. Now you just sound like a bitch. _

He raises his eyebrows at me. "If you don't want to hang out with me you can just say so. I'm a big boy, I can handle it." He crosses his arms. He doesn't seem offended, which pegs my interest. Maybe he really doesn't want to go with me. Maybe he's just being nice.

I scoff, "Oh get over yourself. I just don't want to go, okay?"

"And why not?" He asks. His persistence makes me frown. I have no idea what's going on in his head. I never do.

"I just don't. Can I have my seat back now?"

He breathes through his nose and stands, shifting his things to the side. He takes another seat as I make my way to mine, bringing my things with me. I grab the book I'm currently reading and open it up. We're quiet for a while as I sit and read with him tapping his pen against the table.

"Is it the black?"

I drop my book to the table and look at Eli, my eyebrows pushed together in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"Tell me why you don't want to hang out with me."

"We're hanging out right now," I counter, gesturing to our proximity.

Eli gives me a look. "I mean outside of the library."

I sigh. "I won't be any fun, trust me. I hate doing anything other than reading. Reality is not my thing."

Eli's lips curl up, "And you say I'm weird."

"You are."

"So are you."

I don't say anything. I can't argue; he's right.

He sighs in defeat. "Alright, I get it. I'll just go by myself."

"Why don't you ask one of your friends?" I ask, returning to my book.

It takes him longer than usual to respond. I manage to read a full paragraph before he speaks up.

"I don't have any friends."

When I look up at him, I notice the blank expression on his face. I can see that he's serious, making me tilt my head.

"I'm your friend." I wasn't sure if he would agree considering the only time we hang out is in the library and all we do is read, but it's worth a shot.

He shakes his head, "And yet you won't go to a concert with me." I glare at him and he lifts his hands in defeat, "Sorry. I'm done."

My lips curl up as I turn back to my book. "So why don't you have any friends?"

"I hate people."

"You seem to have taken a liking to me just fine."

He taps his fingers on the table. "You're different."

"How so?"

"Well, I've never met anyone who goes through books as fast as you do."

I glance up to see him staring at the table. "I told you, reality's not my thing. Besides, you read just as many books as I do." He bites the inside of his cheek and shrugs. I place my book down and cross my arms. "Why do you do that, anyway? Why are you so keen on reading the same books as me?"

He looks up at me and sits back in his chair, sliding down until his tailbone is on the edge. He taps his boot on the floor. "You know how you can tell what someone is thinking by the music they listen to? What kind of person they are?" I nod, and he continues, "It's the same thing with books."

I chew on the inside of my lip. He's trying to figure me out. He wants to see how my mind works. He wants to know my thoughts and what makes me tick. It all makes sense now. The reason why he's taken such an interest in me. He never really wanted to be my friend. He just sees me as someone he can give attention to until I spill my secrets to him. He's just like my therapist. He doesn't care; he's just curious as to why I'm so messed up.

I stand up and begin gathering my things. He watches me curiously as I sling my bag over my shoulder.

"Have fun at the concert," I say dryly before marching passed him and out of the library, ignoring his questioning gaze.

* * *

"Clare?"

"What?" I grumble.

Dr. Dawes pushes her glasses up her nose. "It's been forty five minutes and you haven't spoken a word."

"I'm not in the talking mood." My eyes are locked on the odd looking owl lamp she has seated on her desk. The eyes are wide and staring directly at me.

"Then why are you here?" She asks, crossing her legs. She lifts her hands and places them on top of her notepad that sits in her lap.

"I promised Jake I'd come," I say, my eyes still focused on the owl. I've been staring at it since I sat down. The way the eyes are wide make it look clueless, much like Dr. Dawes about what is bothering me.

"Did something happen?" She asks.

I finally tear my gaze away from the owl and look at her. I twist my lips to the side and shift on the couch so I'm sitting Indian style. I look down at my hands in my lap as I fiddle my thumbs. "A boy invited me to a concert."

She raises an eyebrow at me. I take notice of her hand when she places her notepad and pen on the table beside her. She clasps her hands together and folds them over her knee. "And that's a bad thing?"

"I said no."

"Why is that?"

I narrow my eyes and look at her face. "I haven't had a friend since Cam; I cut everyone out of my life in fear of getting close with someone, just to have them ripped away from me like he was. It caught me off guard."

"Have you told this boy how you feel?"

"No. He doesn't know about Cam. We decided we don't want to know the reason behind each other's need for therapy."

She tilts her head, "He goes to therapy?"

I nod. "Here. His name is Eli."

Her expression softens and she regains her posture. "Ah. Elijah Goldsworthy. He's a nice boy."

"Strange, though," I say before I can stop myself.

She smiles at me. "You two have more in common than you think, Clare."

My eyebrows push together in confusion. "What do you mean?"

She lifts her fingers to her lips and pretends to zip them shut. "Patient confidentiality. I've said too much already." She pauses and shifts in her seat, uncrossing her legs, sitting forward and placing her elbows on her knees. "I may be getting out of line here, but a friend might be just what you need, Clare. Being alone all of the time isn't helping you."

I shrug. I have nothing to say.

She sighs. "How long have you known Elijah?"

"For about a week. We read in the library together all of the time."

She raises an eyebrow, "You're the girl who gave him all of those book recommendations?" I lift my head and eye her curiously. I give a small shrug, followed by a nod. She smiles. "He's mentioned you. He always has a new book with him when he's here."

Something he said pops into my head. "He told me he doesn't have any friends. Is that true?"

She blows out a puff of air and presses her lips together. "I'm not allowed to give out any information. But I'm not saying that it's _not_ true."

I slump back in the couch and frown. I don't have any friend because I pushed everyone away in fear of losing them, so what's his excuse?

"Why don't you want to go to the concert with him, other than the fear of losing another friend?"

I press my lips together. "I don't want to go on a date."

She smiles, "Did he say it was a date?"

I shake my head, "Not in so many words, no. He said he wants to hang out."

She sits back in her seat and touches her chin. "Maybe hanging out is all he wants. If he didn't say it was a date, then it probably isn't. But if you're uncertain, I suggest you ask him."

I'm quiet for a minute. I'm not sure how many rules she's breaking by discussing Eli with me, but I feel a small sliver of gratefulness that she is.

She glances at the clock. "Time seems to be up."

I stand from my spot and grab my bag.

"Clare," Dr. Dawes says. "Don't push him away. You two could help each other."

I click my tongue and, without a word, turn toward the door and walk out.

The whole walk home consists of me debating on going to home and having a nice warm bubble bath and read a book or heading to the library to see if I could find Eli to accept his offer for the concert. I was at war with myself. For the first time Dr. Dawes' words had me questioning my way of living. Was she right when she said that being alone isn't helping me at all? What the hell did she mean when she said Eli and I could help each other? How in the world can that strange boy help me?

I find myself standing before of the front door of my apartment. I haven't pulled my key out yet. I still haven't' fully figured out what I'm going to do. Dr. Dawes' words swim through my head, pulling me towards a territory I wasn't familiar with. I haven't let myself get close to anyone since Cam died. I cut off all friends and focused on school, just wanting to get away from there.

Maybe that made it harder for me to move on.

Jake had been the only person I let in, and even he didn't know just how guilty I am about the whole situation.

Maybe pushing everyone away was the wrong way to handle Cam's death.

Maybe Dr. Dawes is right.

Maybe taking a risk and letting myself become friends with Eli will help, and maybe not. There's only one way to find out.

I turn on my heels and walk out of my apartment building and head to the library. I pull the doors open when I arrive and enter, feeling an immediate calming sensation enter my body at the familiarity of the place.

I walk straight for the usual table, feeling my breath hitch when I see he is in fact sitting there, waiting for me.

"It's about time you showed up," Eli says as I stop in front of him. His legs are pushed out in front of him as he sits comfortably in one of the chairs. He closes the book he's reading. "Listen, about earlier. I don't know what I said but I'm sorry if I offended you."

I stare at him impassively and lift my chin.

"I'll go with you to the concert."

His eyebrows shoot up before they push together, his expression changing from surprised to confused in a matter of seconds. "What changed your mind?"

I walk around the table to sit in my usual spot. He turns his body to face me.

"You just want to hang out, right?" I ask, taking Dr. Dawes' advice and asking him.

He nods once, "Yeah. I figured it would be fun. I have an extra ticket, and considering you're the only person who talks to me, I figured you'd like to come. I mean, assuming that you like _Arctic Monkeys_."

I smile, "I love them." He grins, seemingly pleased with my response. I continue, "I just wanted to be clear of the situation."

Eli gives me a weird look before shrugging and slouching back in his chair. He reaches for his book, but pauses before his fingers touch the cover. He lifts his head to look at me, his eyes wide and lips curling with laughter. "You thought it was a date."

I click my tongue, "I haven't been asked out on a date since High School, so I'm not completely sure on what you meant by _hang out_."

His eyebrows shoot up, "High school?"

I wave my hand, gesturing that I want to dismiss the subject. "Can we not talk about how lame I am?"

He lets out a short laugh, "I meant hang out. As friends."

I press my lips together in a smile, "I've never been to a concert."

He rolls his eyes, "Of course you haven't. I'm assuming you've never been in a mosh pit either?

I laugh, "That sounds dangerous." I lean back in my seat.

He grins, "It is. I doubt there will be one at _Arctic Monkeys_, but the next heavy metal band that comes to town I'll be taking you with me. You haven't lived until you've been in a mosh pit."

I roll my eyes and give him a nod, agreeing. Maybe this _friends_ thing won't be so bad.

"When is it?"

"Next weekend."

I grin. Suddenly feeling myself let my front wall down, I say, "I'm excited."

He laughs and pounds his fist on the table playfully, "As you should be."

I turn and dig through my bag until I find a pen and paper. He watches me as I scribble down my cell phone number, holding my breath as I do so. I hold the paper in my hands for a moment before finally sliding it towards him. He slowly reaches over to pull the paper closer, his eyes scanning the numbers I've written down before he looks up at me.

I stand and hook the strap of my bag over my shoulder, staring down at him. I walk around the table and on my way towards the door, I kick his foot with my own before continuing my path to the door. I turn and see he's watching me, the paper clutched in his hand. His lips are parted as he waits for me to say something.

"See you tomorrow."

His lips curl on one side of his mouth, "As always."


	4. Don't Say A Word

**A/N:** So I'm a loser and forgot that it was Saturday, so I didn't update. So now it's twenty minutes into Sunday and here I am updating because I couldn't make you awesome people wait. Reviews would be lovely!

**Summary:** _After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page._

* * *

"I'll be back next week," Jake voice echoes through my cell phone. "Katie and I are still looking for an apartment and Dad has me doing some renovations while I'm here. You went to your sessions, right?"

I roll my eyes. I continue to walk down the street, swinging my earphone cord around in my hand. Jake had called just a few minutes ago, interrupting my song and walk to the near by café for lunch. I was already irritable knowing that it's only Tuesday, and now Jake's pestering about my therapy sessions has added to my gloomy mood.

"I've only had two sessions, Jake. Keep your hair on." I cross the street and enter the café. Stepping in line, I keep my voice low as I continue, "Dr. Dawes actually gave me some really good advice the other day. She made me realise that if I wanted to move on I'd have to open myself up more and accept that what happened wasn't my fault. We talked about it yesterday."

I could feel the small amount of guilt climbing into my chest. I wasn't lying about what Dr. Dawes said yesterday. She said everything she normally does, but for the first time I did my best to actually listen to her. I knew she was right with the majority of what she was saying, but I still felt like I had a part in Cam's death. Moving on isn't as easy as everyone seems to think it is.

"You better not be lying to me," Jake says.

"I'm not lying to you. I swear. Jeez, have a little faith."

He lets out a sigh of relief. "Clare, that's really good to hear. Do you feel any better?"

I twist my lips. "I guess. I mean, I actually got myself out of bed yesterday morning for the session, so that's a start, right?"

Jake chuckles softly, knowing my reluctance to go to early morning sessions. "For you, yes." There were some grumbles on the other end before Jake sighs. "Your mom says hi. Listen, Dad needs me; I'll call you later, okay?"

"Tell her I say hello," I reply.

After we hang up, I stuff my phone in my pocket just in time to step up to the counter and order. I take my drink to a small table that two chairs occupy. I pull out my text book and begin taking notes. I was too busy spending my time at the library this weekend to do any studying and, realizing I forgot the book I was currently reading at home, decided lunch would be the best time to catch up on a few things. I highlighted key points and took notes when I felt it was important.

The café was much louder than I would have liked. I plugged in my iPod to block the noise, feeling satisfied when I felt I could concentrate better this way. Realizing I only have a certain amount of time left before my next class starts, I close my text book and pack up my things. As I reach to place everything in my bag, a loud knocking on the window beside me makes me look up. Eli's grinning face stares back at me, making me shake my head with a small laugh.

He presses the cover of a book to the window and points at it excitedly, silently telling me that he liked it. I held up a finger and stand up, grabbing my bag and drink. Stepping outside to meet him, I remove my earphones from my ears. Eli has a bag clutched in his hand and I realize it's from the restaurant down the street.

"Stalking me now?" I tease.

"Bad habits die hard, Clare," he jokes back, making me roll my eyes. We begin walking and he shakes his head. "I was just coming back from _Joey's_ and saw you in the window. Hungry?" He holds up the bag.

I give a shy nod, feeling stupid for not grabbing something while I was in the café. We switch items; he takes my drink and I take the bag. I open it and grab a few fries, stuffing them in my mouth. I moan in delight and grab more, realizing just how hungry I am.

"This is so good," I moan, shoving more fries in my mouth.

I catch a glance of Eli taking a sip of my drink, his face twisting in disgust. "I wish I could say the same for this," he says as he examines the cup.

I throw a fry at him as we make it to the University's front lawn. "It's green tea."

"It's horrible."

I reach for my drink and hand him back the bag once we get closer to the front doors. "So you liked the book?"

"Hell yeah!" He grins. "But one of these day's you're going to have to read something I recommend."

He stops on the sidewalk that splits into two separate directions and I turn to face him. I begin walking backwards in the direction I need to go and take a sip of my green tea as he watches me, waiting for a response. I shrug, "Alright."

Eli smiles and nods once, "Alright."

* * *

Wednesday meant that the week was half over, and I couldn't stop thinking about my plans with Eli this weekend. I'm finally going to my first concert. I've had a lot of firsts during the last week and a half. I made a friend for the first time after swearing I never would get close to anyone again. I actually listened to my therapist for the first time since the day we met. And now I'm going to my first concert. Who knew my life could be changing so much in such a short period of time?

I'm not sure if I like how things are going at this point.

I realize that I don't thinking about Cam when I'm with Eli. I'm not sure if that bothers me or not. In a way I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, even if it is just for a short period of time. Cam was never a burden, but the guilt and anger that I've been carrying around with me got heavy over the past year or so. But on the other hand I feel like I'm forgetting him and it hurts. I feel like I'm betraying him by having _fun_ with Eli and actually opening up just the slightest around him, letting down my front wall. It's new to me, and I hate feeling like I'm a bad person when I forget about the hurt and the pain for just a short amount of time.

The more I thought about it the more upset I became. By the time lunch hit, my mood went from just above _okay_ to _leave me the fuck alone_. Eli passed by the picnic table I was seated at outside and offered to bring me back something to eat, but I waved a hand without lifting my gaze to his, dismissing his presence. He got the hint that I wanted to be left alone and took off down the street. I spent the rest of lunch finishing an assignment and scrolling through the playlists on my iPod.

I watch as Eli walks up to our usual table in the library after classes. Before he even sits in his chair he drops a bag of green grapes in front of me. I peer up at him curiously, tilting my head to the side.

"You mentioned your love for green grapes a while back," he explains with a shrug before taking a seat.

My mind wanders back to the day where we seated here and read every poster on the walls around us, either agreeing or disagreeing with each one. There were minor arguments and debates that went on between us; we're both too stubborn to keep our opinions to ourselves. One of the posters mentioned fruit, and I blurted that the only fruit I actually like are green grapes.

It amazes me that he remembered such a tiny detail.

"You didn't have to do that," I say, eyeing the grapes. I stop myself from reaching over and taking one.

He picks invisible fuzz off of his shirt, "You seemed upset at lunch. I wanted to at least make sure you had comfort food."

"For most people, comfort food mostly consists of chocolates and ice-cream." I reach over and grab a grape, deciding to accept his kind gesture.

He looks up and me and says, "You're not most people."

I grin, "You're right. I'm way more awesome."

Eli scoffs and reaches over to grab a grape. "Please, you're not _that_ awesome."

"Only people less awesome than me say that."

Eli stops mid chew and looks at me, eyes widening slightly. He's quiet for a moment, and I can see he's thinking really hard about something. "I don't have a comeback," he blurts.

I laugh at his shocked face, realizing that I just beat him at his own game. A girl I've seen around a couple of times glares at me from across the room and I quickly clamp a hand over my mouth to stifle my laughter. Eli shoots me a satisfied grin, picking at the grapes and eating a couple. I calm down and we fall into a light conversation about the book he had just finished reading. I sit and listen intently as he explains what he likes and dislikes about it, watching his hands as they move around for dramatic effect.

I notice that his brows crease down when he's passionate about what he's saying. He closes his eyes when he loses his train of thought as he tries to remember, getting all excited and snapping his fingers when he does. He laughs before he tells me something funny about the book and I smile at his cute antics.

He sighs with a finishing sentence, "It's so amazing, Clare."

"I'm glad you liked it," I say while shoving a grape in my mouth. He smiles at me.

* * *

The next few days are filled with books, Eli and laughter. When we're not reading, I find myself laughing at his witty comments and our sarcastic banters. When we're not discussing books, we're eating junk food at the picnic tables at lunch and people watching. We make up our own stories for the students that walk by, since neither of us actually knows anyone other than each other.

Throughout the few days of spending nearly every second with him, I've noticed that Eli would rather sit on the picnic table top than on the seat next to me. He's not a big fan of bright colors, and when a girl with a bright pink tank top on walked by us, he feigned a gag and fell back on the table; I laughed harder than I should have. He'll read anything I tell him to, and if he doesn't like it he has no problem telling me why. He likes to write and direct plays, and he even did a production in high school; he told me he has a tape of it and when I asked if I could see it sometime, he seemed more than happy to say yes.

By the time it hit Saturday night, I realized I had nothing to wear to the concert. I don't even know what you're supposed to wear to a concert. I assume nothing fancy but if I show up in a sweater and jeans will I be a laughing stock?

Eli was no help. When I asked him about it in the library he said, and I quote, "Just wear whatever, Clare. It's a concert." That didn't help my situation considering I had never even been to a concert before.

Now, as I dig through my closet at home, I feel more frustrated than ever. My hair is falling out of its ponytail and I'm sweating with nerves. I feel gross as I search through every piece of clothing that I own. I huff and smack my hands on my knees, giving up. My head snaps over to my computer and I quickly pull out my phone to send Jake a quick text. I run over to my computer and turn it on before opening Skype.

Jake calls about five minutes later and soon his face is taking up most of my screen. Katie is seated behind him with a smiling face and a waving hand. I smile at her and Jake eyes me distastefully.

"Clare, you need a shower."

"Nice to see you, too."

He rolls his eyes, "What do you need?"

"I need to talk to Katie," I say. Katie's quick to push Jake out of the chair and take his spot, a wide grin on her face. Jake mutters something before exiting the room, leaving us alone.

Katie smiles, "What's up?"

"What do you wear to a concert?" I ask.

Katie raises her eyebrows. "What kind of concert?"

"_Arctic Monkeys_," I say.

She nods, "Oh! Hmm, well I'd say whatever you want. Except for sweats; that's just wrong."

I roll my eyes playfully at her. I twist my lips, "Well, I need help. I have no idea what to wear and this is my first concert, so I want to at least look good."

She hums in thought. "Show me what you were at least thinking about wearing."

I turn and grab the few outfits I had put together. There were three but neither seemed fit enough for a concert. Katie eyes each outfit carefully and when I'm done, she looks very thoughtful.

"Okay, try those jeans with that top and the leather jacket over top." I follow her orders and step out of the view of the camera to change. When I step back in view she smiles and claps her hands in excitement. "That's the one, Clare! Not too flashy but not to mellow, either!"

I look down at the dark jeans and deep purple tank top that I'm wearing, topped off with a leather jacket I bought in my high school years. I smile at her through the camera and thank her for her help. She tells me that she's always there if I need her and we say our goodbyes before I shut my laptop. I quickly strip and head to the bathroom for a shower. Once I'm done I dry my hair as fast as I can. I eye the natural curls and tilt my head. I decide to put it up; it's not like I'm going on a date. It's a concert not a diner, so I don't need to put too much effort into it. My bangs hang down, along with a few lose curls, and I enter my room to change into the outfit Katie picked out. Once I'm done getting dressed I return to the bathroom to apply the little amount of make-up I wear; eyeliner and mascara. I eye myself in the bathroom mirror and decide that it's as good as it's going to get and head out into the living room of my apartment.

I gather my phone, keys and money, shoving them in my pockets. I text Eli and ask where we're meeting, and he responds right away.

_The palace of paperbacks._

I smile at his lame name for the library. I shove my phone in my back pocket and head for the door, making sure I have everything before exiting the apartment and locking the door behind me. I make my way to the library, taking notice of the light orange color in the sky. The sun is setting and I'm about to go to a concert with the strangest person I've ever met.

The library comes into view and I drag my feet across the grass. Eli's leaning against the brick wall of the building, his leg propped up. His hands are shoved in his pockets, his eyes glued to the sky. As I approach, he looks down and eyes me. I stop a few feet away from him and wait for him to step away from the wall so we can begin walking to his car, but he doesn't move.

"You look different," he says. There's no suggestiveness to his tone; it's like he is just observing.

I tug at the hem of the leather jacket, "It's the leather."

He finally moves from the wall and walks towards me. Just as he passes me with a brush of our shoulders, he smirks and says, "I like it."

I reach up to rub my neck before turning to follow him. I'm confused when he walks passed the parking lot, but say nothing. I figure he knows what he's doing and I trust him enough to not ask questions. We continue to walk down the street, cars passing and people walking by us. The night is chilly, but warm enough that I'm not freezing.

Eli walks with ease beside me. "Are you excited?"

I turn to glance at him and smile, "Extremely. You?"

He grins, "Yeah."

"Is this your first time seeing them live?" I ask. To my surprise, Eli shakes his head no. I raise an eyebrow, "So why are you so excited?"

His grin widens and he looks at me, "Because I get to see the look on your face when you feel the beat of your favorite song."

I turn and stare at the ground as we continue walking, "You don't even know my favorite song."

"No, and I don't want you to tell me, either. I want to figure it out for myself."

I shake my head and look up just in time to doge a pole. I walk around it and sigh, "I don't understand you."

"You probably never will."

We stop at a bus stop and Eli sits down on the bench. I stay standing and pace in a circle. I'm too excited to sit down or stand still. I follow the cracks on the sidewalk with my feet and stick out my arms as I try to balance myself.

"You have a car, right?" I ask without looking up at Eli.

"Yeah," he replies casually.

"Well, why don't you just drive us? Why do we need to take the bus?" I finally look up at him, taking notice of his impassive look. He's staring at something in the distance, and I don't want to turn away from him to see what it is.

He's quiet for a moment. I can see his lip twitching as he chews on the inside of it, and I realize I've said something wrong.

"You said I didn't have to tell you why I need therapy."

With that being said, I clamp my mouth shut and lean against the bus stop pole as we wait for our ride.


	5. Reckless Serenade

**A/N:** This chapter didn't turn out the way I wanted, and I'm disappointed, but it's still an update! Enjoy!

**Summary:** _After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page._

* * *

"Eli, this is a bar!"

I tug on Eli's arm as we stand in line outside of a bar downtown. The line trails on behind us, and I bounce on my feet slightly from the excitement and the cold. We've been standing in line for about fifteen minutes, waiting for the doors to open. It shouldn't be too long, but I feel myself getting more anxious as the minutes pass. Eli seems completely fine standing next to me.

"Your point?"

I don't have a response. I don't really have a point. Yes, it's a bar. But I'm of legal age and it's not like I've never had alcohol before. Maybe I'm just nervous. This _is_ my first concert, and I'm here with a strange boy I met only two weeks ago. I fiddle my fingers together and take a deep breath. Eli takes notice of my shaking legs and places a hand on my shoulder.

"Clare, _chill_. I don't know why you're freaking out." He's amused, but I don't have time to focus on it any longer.

The doors open and everyone quickly shuffles inside, the door men taking our tickets and ripping them in half, handing us back the other half. Eli tells me to keep it for memory sake, so I stuff it in my bra. He rolls his eyes and turns to make his way through the crowd. I reach out instinctively and grab a handful of his jacket. He looks back at me and reaches for my hand, holding it tightly as he pulls me through the crowd. Once we're standing in the third line from the front stage, Eli turns to look at me with curious eyes. He's still holding my hand, which means he can feel it shaking.

I shake my head, "I'm just nervous because this is my first concert and I barely know you and oh my _God_ I'm going to see _Arctic Monkeys_ live in like five minutes. Eli, I'm freaking out here."

His soft chuckle is loud enough for me to hear over the sound check and the people around us chatting. He removes his hand from mine and places it on my lower back, pulling me closer to him so it's easier for me to hear him.

"You know me better than anyone else at the University," he says. I shrug softly, unsure of whether he wants a response or not, and he continues, "It'll be fine. People like to shove, but if it gets to be too much just stand in front of me."

I nod and take a look around. Other than the stage and bar lights, the place is pretty dark. Some people are lounging around at the bar or on chairs that sit in front of the railing of the top floor, while others are crowding around the stage. The opening band doesn't catch my interest, so I spend the time that they are on stage looking around the place and taking in the people around me until they're done.

My attention is pulled back to the stage when the crowd begins to go wild, screaming and cheering and jumping. Arctic Monkeys walks out one by one, smiling and waving to everyone. Alex is the last to walk out, moving to stand in front with a guitar wrapped around his torso. He grins at the audience. I grin at the sight of them, feeling overwhelmed with the need to cheer them on. Eli beats me to it, though, cupping his hands around his mouth and hollering. I laugh and join him, my head falling back as I scream.

They start playing, and I feel my grin and eyes widen at the familiar sound of _Brick By Brick_ blasting through the speakers. I watch them play their instruments and sing into their microphones, mesmerised by the lights and the feeling in my chest. Eli's singing along to the words beside me, and I find myself doing the same.

Eli wasn't lying when he said that people shove quite a bit. It gets pretty annoying, and after being shoved for about the eighth time I shift and step halfway in front of Eli.

"You okay?" He asks into my ear.

I turn my head softly to look at him and nod with a smile. I turn my attention back to the stage as they start a new song. They begin to play _D is for Dangerous_ and I jump with excitement. I turn to face Eli and sing along to the lyrics, him doing the same as we yell in each other's faces. We're interrupted by our laughter halfway through the song due to the weird faces we make to each other as we scream the lyrics. I turn back to glance at the stage and smile.

"He's so hot," I yell into Eli's ear about Alex, the lead singer.

Eli's face twists in disgust. "I'd have to disagree," he yells back into my ear.

I laugh and move my head to the beat of the song. We sing the lyrics to their songs off key and out of tune, though neither of us seem to care as the whole crowd is doing the same thing. A few songs later, I can feel the sweat on the back of my neck and just how breathless I am. I know I need a drink, and just as I turn to Eli to tell him I'm going to go grab one, I hear the first few cords of my favorite song.

Eli stares at me as my lips part and curl into a grin, my eyes widen and shine, and my hands come up to cup my face with the overwhelming feeling of hearing my favorite song live.

Eli grins and points at me. "That's the look," he yells. "That's the look I was talking about."

"This is my favorite song!" I scream.

He laughs and shakes his head, "Why am I not surprised?"

They continue to play _Library Pictures_ and I turn back around to face them and, completely ignoring the burn in my throat, sing the lyrics along with them. Eli's hand is placed on my back as he sings the lyrics as well. I turn so I can face Eli and the stage at the same time, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, feeling his arm wrap around my middle more. We stay like that for the rest of the song, belching the lyrics and swaying to the beat softly, jumping and banging our heads when it felt like the right time.

Once the song is over, I find myself completely out of breath.

"I'm going to get a drink, do you want anything?" I ask into his ear.

"Come on," he says and grabs my hand, pulling me through the crowd. We make it to the bar and order two water bottles. I'm quick to pay for the water since Eli had paid for my ticket. He rolls his eyes at my gesture but doesn't argue, and I take a few gulps of water. We stay seated at the bar for the rest of the concert, knowing we would most likely be unable to return to our spots. We continue to sing and dance at our new seats, though I'm the one jumping around as Eli sits back and rests against the bar.

By the time the concert ends, I have a permanent grin plastered on my face. We file outside with the crowd and begin to walk to the bus stop. As we're walking, I find myself begin to run towards and open patch of grass nearby. Eli follows behind slowly, calling my name and questioning my actions.

"That was so much fun!" I say as I tumble to the ground. I roll onto my back and stare at the night sky, taking notice of the stars. Eli falls to the ground beside me with a small _humph_, laying the opposite way, his head beside mine.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," he says.

I run my hand through my hair, "I more than enjoyed it, Eli. This is the best night I've had in a _long_ time."

He shifts and places one arm behind his head, staring up at the stars with me. "Me, too."

We're quiet for a while. I'm not sure how long we lie there for, but it's long enough for us to miss the first bus. He text's the bus link and checks what time the next bus comes, keeping it in mind as we continue to lie there.

My mind drifts to the thought of how long I have gone without feeling like this; I feel happy for the first time since Cam's death. I went to my first concert and saw one of my favourite bands live, and I feel amazing. I feel like I'm floating. I have so much energy that I don't know what to do other than lie here and take it all in.

I realize something, and after a few moments, let out a loud sigh.

"I like hanging out with you, Eli," I mutter into the night air. He turns his head to look at me. "Can we not stop?"

He's quiet for a minute before he rolls over and stands up. He reaches for my hand to help me up, "Come on. The bus will be here any minute."

He's right; a few seconds after we arrived at the bus stop it pulls up. We climb on and pay before walking to two empty seats. I slide in the inside and he slides in beside me, propping his foot up on the metal bar beneath the seat in front of us. The bus begins driving again and I watch the city go by as we pass through the streets.

"Thumb wrestle with me," Eli says from beside me. I turn to look at him questionably. He gestures to his hand and I shake my head in amusement. I reach over and clasp my hand in his. "One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war," he says and I laugh and his childish antics.

We thumb wrestle until I beat him. He demands a rematch and I cave, and we start over. This time, he wins and leaves his thumb clamped over mine. I watch him as he stares at our hands still clasped together, his thumb rubbing over my nail. He slowly untangles our hands and looks up at me, the slightest hint of a smile grazing his lips.

"I like hanging out with you, too."

* * *

"You seem awfully cheery for a Monday morning," Dr. Dawes says.

I sit cross legged on her couch and smile at her. I spend most of the hour we have telling her about the concert I went to with Eli two days before. I tell her about all the flashing lights and how I actually danced in front of strangers and sang my heart out. I tell her how much fun I had. I tell her about lying in the field and thumb wrestling on the bus ride home with Eli. I tell her that for the first time in a while, I feel happy.

She's smiling the whole time I'm talking. I ramble as long as I can until I run out of things to say.

"It's nice to see you so happy, Clare. I don't think I've ever seen you like this." Her grin is almost as big as mine.

I shrug, "I've never had a reason to be happy before."

She raises her eyebrows in question, "Oh? And what's your reason now?"

I lower my gaze to my hands and twist my lips from side to side. "I've finally found someone who doesn't ask questions about my life like it's their business. I've made a friend who understands how I feel without even knowing exactly how I feel. He's carefree and reckless and just what I need in my life right now. For the first time in a long time, I'm not dwelling on the past."

Dr. Dawes looks at me knowingly. I stare at my hands shyly and she smiles warily. "Have you told him about Cam?"

My grin vanishes and I fiddle my thumbs. I shake my head, "No. He may be a friend, but I've only known him for just over two weeks. How do I know that the minute I tell him he won't think I'm some freak with a dead best friend and run off?"

Dr. Dawes looks at me tenderly. "Clare, I understand your fear of opening up to someone so soon, but I doubt Eli's that kind of person. If you feel like you want to develop a stronger friendship with him before opening up to him then–"

"What makes you think I'm going to tell him?"

She's quiet for a moment; I've confused her. "Well, I just assumed that you would rather share your thoughts and feelings with a friend than me."

In a way, she has a point. I hate coming to these meetings and spilling my thoughts and life stories to her. I barely know her and she knows almost everything there is to know about me. She's even meddled herself into my new friendship with Eli.

"Just because he's my friend doesn't mean I want him to know how messed up I am."

She sighs and removes her glasses, placing them on the table next to her. "You're not messed up, Clare. You've just had a traumatic experience. I'm here to make sure you talk about it so it doesn't become too much for you on the inside. You haven't opened up to anyone until Eli, and I'd like to think that maybe it's because he's the first person who has made you feel comfortable in his presence."

I'm not exactly sure on what to say so I don't say anything. I think about what she's said for a few minutes. She doesn't rush me, only sits and waits. I realize that she's right; Eli is the first person that doesn't make me feel pressured into talking about things I am uncomfortable with. Technically, I haven't really opened up to him. All I've done was let down my front wall enough to form a friendship with him.

But maybe that was the push I needed.

Our time is up and I leave with a lot to think about. The whole elevator ride I debate on if I would ever feel comfortable enough to tell Eli about Cam. I mean, Cam was a pretty big part of my life, and Eli and I are growing closer every day. I huff as I step out onto the main floor of the building.

Stepping outside, I almost miss the person lying down on the bench in front of the building. I walk over and stand above him, blocking the sun and casting a shade on his face. Eli opens one eye to peek at me and one side of his lips curl up.

"It's a bout damn time you're done. I've been out here for at least half an hour," he says. He stands up and flattens his shirt.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"You told me you had a session today and I figured we could grab something to eat before heading to the library. I read this really good book that I want to tell you about."

I purse my lips. "My step brother is coming over for dinner tonight. He's been at my mom's place for the past week with his girlfriend and we're supposed to have this big discussion about whether or not I have to keep seeing Dr. Dawes."

Eli widens his eyes mockingly, "Sounds exciting."

We turn and begin walking. "Not really. It's his idea of brother–sister bonding."

Eli laughs, "Oh God. I can't imagine what Christmas is like for your family."

I smack his shoulder and laugh, "Can it, Elijah."

"Ouch. We're on a full name basis now? Hit me where it hurts the most, Clare," Eli teases, placing a hand over his heart.

I shake my head, "I don't know why you hate your full name so much. I like it."

Eli scoffs, "Remind me to never take your opinion on anything." I elbow him in the side and he flinches. "Well shit, if I knew you would be this abusive I would've stayed home and heated up a pizza pop."

I laugh and grab his arm, twisting mine around his. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. To make up for my abusiveness and for the fact that I am unable to join you for dinner, I'll come over some time and we'll eat pizza pops and watch horrible movies and I'll bring every book that I own over and you can criticize all of them. Deal?"

"Clare, you just described heaven." The admiration in his voice tells me he's serious.

I smile, "I'll take that as a yes." We reach the turning point of the sidewalk that leads to our departure. "I'll call you tonight and you can tell me all about that book, alright?"

"Alright." He gives a nod and I release my hold on him before we walk our separate ways.

* * *

Jake practically inhales the meal I prepared, his plate nearly empty while I still have half of mine full. We're seated on my couch, in front of the TV as we eat. Jake finishes before me and places his plate on the coffee table before lounging back into the cushions. I finish my meal as we continue watching a show we both enjoy. When I'm done, Jake doesn't hesitate to start the conversation.

"So, how have you been?" He asks.

I turn to him and curl my lips in a genuine smile. "I've been good, actually."

Jake sits up straighter. "_Good_ is a step up from _fine_. I like where this is going."

I roll my eyes. "I've actually made a friend."

Jake raises his eyebrows and widens his eyes. For a moment I'm offended that it surprises him that much. "What's her name?"

I purse my lips. "_His_ name is Eli. I met him in the library and we've been hanging out a lot. He took me to the _Arctic Monkeys_ concert, actually. I think you'd like him."

Jake's faces changes, "Eli? You've made friends with a _guy_? Clare, how stupid can you be? This guy probably just wants to get in your pants and is using your vulnerability to get inside your head. That concert was probably a ploy to get him laid. Oh God, please tell me you didn't sleep with him. I knew I shouldn't have left you alone."

My jaw drops and eyes narrow. "You don't even know him," I say, my voice tight and defensive.

"Maybe not, but I know guys are pigs and I'm sure he's no different."

"Well aren't you quick to judge? For fuck sakes, Jake, you haven't even met him. You haven't been here for what, a week? You don't know what he's like or how he treats me. He's my _friend_, Jake. That's all there is to it."

He eyes me for a moment, scanning my face for any indication that I may be lying. I cross my arms and look him straight in the eyes, letting him know that I have nothing to hide. He presses his lips into a thin line.

"He's just your friend?" He questions, his tone softer.

I sigh and rub my temple. "He's the only person I like being around and I'm his only friend. We kind of fit together, in a way."

Jake's eyes narrow. "He doesn't have any friends?" I shake my head and he gives me a weird look. "That would be the first sign telling you to stay clear of him."

I scoff and stand up from the couch, grabbing our dishes and stomping into the kitchen. I throw the dishes in the sink as Jake follows me, and I turn to face him angrily.

"That guy that I saw with you at Dr. Dawes' office? That's him. He goes to therapy, too. And so what if he doesn't have any friends? I don't have any friends either, Jake. Does that mean I'm some slut who sleeps around with random guys to try and feel some sort of affection because I'm so fucked up? He's not so different from me, so quit judging him before you get to know him." I'm breathless by the time I'm done my rant. I close my mouth when I realize what I had said is true. Eli and I aren't so different after all. We both have a secret that has changed us and kept us secluded from everyone, and without even realizing it we've helped each other in some way.

Jake frowns, "I'm sorry."

I breathe through my nose and close my eyes. "I've begun to open up to Dr. Dawes more."

"I know," Jake says softly. "She called me."

I narrow my eyes. "What happened to patient confidentiality?" I mutter.

Jake looks at me softly, "She didn't tell me what you guys talked about. She just said you're slowly opening up. I'm not going to lie, I'm extremely glad." He's quiet for a moment, and I can practically see the wheels turning in his head. He sighs, "I guess if this Eli character can get you to break out of your shell, he isn't as bad as I thought."

I shrug, "You act like you're never wrong."

Jake chuckles, "I'm wrong most of the time, aren't I?"

I laugh and nod, "I want you to meet him."

Jake purses his lips. "I'm only in town for the night. Katie and I found an apartment and we're moving our stuff in this week. I can visit another time and we can plan something, okay? I have to make sure this punk is decent enough to be your friend."

I shove his chest playfully. "You'll scare him away if you keep talking like that."

Jake grins, "I'll keep that in mind."

* * *

Eli's more than eager to rant about the book he read when I call him. He talks my ear off about how intriguing the book is. He sounds excited throughout the whole explanation he gives me, his voice loud and words fast. My cheeks hurt from the smile plastered on them, listening to his passion for the book.

I'm snuggled up in my pyjamas and lying in bed, the phone pressed to my ear as I stare at the dark ceiling.

"Anyways, enough of my rambling–"

"I like your rambling," I blurt, cutting him off. He's quiet for a second too long and I mentally slap myself for my bluntness.

"How was dinner?" he asks softly.

"It was good. I chose to keep seeing Dr. Dawes. I think she's finally helping me," I say with a shrug, even though he can't see me. For the most part, I was telling the truth. I did feel a bit better now that I was opening up to her. Not amazing, but better.

Eli makes a small noise that lets me know he understands, but doesn't say anything. He's quiet, as if thinking and I feel like I made the conversation more awkward than it should be. Me and my stupid bluntness. Eli's wearing off on me.

"Who died?" Eli blurts.

I narrow my eyes at the ceiling. "What?"

"A lot of the books you read are about death, so either you're obsessed with it or someone close to you passed," he explains.

Now, I realize, this phone call is oozing awkwardness.

My lips part and my breaths are uneven. My eyes sting and my lip quivers slightly, but I bite it to keep my emotions intact. We're both quiet for a while. I can hear when he inhales sharply. "Shit, I'm sorry. I was just curious and sometimes I speak without thinking. Fuck, Clare, I'm sorry."

I find my voice and lick my dry lips. "I guess you can say I'm obsessed with it," I squeak out, unwilling to admit that my best friend took his own life.

Eli pauses. I wonder if what I had said was the wrong way to take the conversation, but then he speaks up. "In high school I drove a hearse."

I can feel my lips curl at his attempt to make me feel better. "You're joking."

"I wouldn't dare joke about Morty, Clare."

"You named him Morty?"

Eli laughs, "Yes, I did."

"Well, that's another thing to add to the _strange_ list."

"You made a list?"

I smile, "Metaphorically speaking, of course."

"Mhmm. I'm sure. I bet you have all kinds made about me. I bet there's one about all of my great characteristics, then there's probably one about everything you like about my physical appearance, which you have to admit is not hard on the eyes. I mean, look at me. I'm a God."

I roll my eyes, "A cocky bastard is what you are."

"On the contrary, I'm just very optimistic. And by your lack of denial, I'm assuming I am correct?"

I scoff, "No, Eli. I don't have lists of any kind, especially not any about you."

"I have a list about you," he says, and I pause, inhaling sharply. "Well, it's a list of books I think you'll like, but it still has to do with you."

I close my eyes and yawn, "I can't wait to read it."

We're quiet for a moment, and I can hear him shift around on the other line. His breathing is calming and I can feel myself slowly dozing.

"Eli?"

"Hmm?"

"Read me something."

He doesn't respond to my request. Instead, he shifts some more before clearing his throat. He begins to read from a book I'm familiar with. I recognize it at _Alice in Wonderland_ and shift so I can rest the phone against my ear while lying down. I get comfortable and let my body relax as his voice reads the words from the pages. He's started somewhere in the middle, though I can't seem to keep up. I find myself falling asleep to the sound of his voice flowing through my ears like silk as he reads, "We're all mad here."


	6. Oblivion

**A/N:** I actually really like this chapter. Hopefully you guys do too. Enjoy! Oh, and yes, I did change my pen name.

**Summary:** _After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page._

* * *

The next few weeks flew by. I finished my exams and, in my spare time, read new and old books and hung out with Eli. We seemed to have an endless amount of things to talk about since we kept reading different books to discuss. We'd eat lunch at the picnic tables or walk down to the nearby restaurant and grab a bite to eat. Most of our afternoons were spent in the library as we read or talked or laughed. The occasional nights we'd have to leave because we would laugh so loud that it bothered the other people in the library.

Katie and Jake visited like he promised and took me bowling, and I convinced Eli to tag along. It was Eli and I against Katie and Jake, and even though Jake had been a little wary at the beginning of the night he warmed up to Eli in no time when we lost against them. Later on in the night, Eli confessed to letting them win in order to impress Jake, which I wasn't exactly sure on how to respond to. Katie gushed about how cute Eli is and Jake kept mentioning how he'd kick Eli's ass if he touched me the wrong way.

I wasn't sure on which one made me more embarrassed.

Over the past four weeks I noticed that Eli only drove his car occasionally. Like when we didn't have plans to meet up at the library after school, or if we had plans to go somewhere and hang out, we'd take the bus because Eli refused to drive us anywhere. I never questioned him because the words he muttered the night of the concert always came back to haunt me; _you said I didn't have to tell you why I need therapy._ I didn't want to make him uncomfortable so I'd never asked.

Saturday rolls around, and we agree to meet up at the library and go for coffee or something. I make it there before him, so I decide to grab a book by _John Green _and sit down to read it. I fell in love with it within the first chapter, and didn't even stop reading to text Eli to see where he was. He's late, but the more pages of the new found book I flip through the less I care. In fact, I'd rather him not show up until the book is over.

But one of the most tragic things happens, and I realize that reading _The Fault in Our Stars_ in a library full of people wasn't the best decision I ever made. My tears flow freely down my cheeks and I have to put the book down in order to wipe them away fast enough. They keep flowing, though. Every time I try to continue reading the words blur and my eyes sting with a new round of tears. I try my best to keep my sobs as quiet as possible, keeping in mind that there are others around, but fail miserably.

I wipe away my tears enough to notice Eli jogging over to our table. He's out of breath when he reaches me, and it brings on more tears. "Hey, sorry I'm late. I lost my–"

He stops mid sentence when he notices my shaking frame and the fresh tears spilling from my eyes. He drops his bag to the floor and moves a chair over to where I'm sitting, planting himself next to me. He grabs one of my hands and holds it in his as he reaches up to wipe away my tears with his free hand as best he could. I wasn't sure why, but the tears didn't stop. I wasn't sure if it was the fact that I was so attached to that character that made me cry this hard or if it was the fact that someone had died. Either way, I'm losing it.

Eli takes notice of my non-stop crying and stands up, gathering my stuff and shoving it in my bag before grabbing it and his own, slinging them over his shoulder. I hold my palm up to my mouth and try to hide my face with my hair as he grabs my hand and quickly walks us out of the library. Instead of heading down the street, he turns sharply and brings me to the side of the building.

Dropping our bags to the ground, Eli reaches out and collects me in his arms, holding me in a tight hug.

"Clare, you need to tell me what's going on. I'm freaking out here."

I wrap my arms around him and dig my face into his neck. "I– I'm fine. It was the b–book."

Through shaky breaths and occasional sobs, I explain the book I was reading briefly, in order for him to get an idea of where I was coming from. He pulls back slightly in order to look at my face and presses his lips into a line.

"I'm cutting you off. From now on you aren't allowed to read a book unless I read it first."

My jaw drops, "No! You can't do that. I'll read what I want."

Eli shakes his head in disbelief, "Jesus, Clare, you're a fucking mess."

I shrug and play with the hem of his shirt. "I'd rather feel someone else's pain than my own."

Eli's face softens. He opens his mouth to say something, but snaps it shut before he can. Instead of talking, he pulls me back into a hug and we stand like that for a while. His arms are wrapped tightly around my shoulders and mine around his middle. He breathes into my hair and I sniffle into his neck. I'm finally calming down, and I realize that I haven't even finished the book.

"I have to finish the book. Did you grab it?" I turn away from him to shuffle through my bag and retrieve it, thankful that he had taken it. I realize that I haven't rented the book out, so I'll have to finish it quickly before I bring it back inside.

"Clare, I don't think that's a good idea."

"It's a book, Eli. I'll get over it. I just need to know what happens. You can sit with me while I read if you like, but I'm finishing this book with or without your permission." I slide down the brick wall and sit on the ground, opening the book to the last page I had read and continue from there. Eli sits beside me with a bit sigh and pulls out a notebook. He draws while I read, the both of us eerily quiet as I turn page after page.

When I'm done, I sit for a moment and just stare at the gray sky. Eli continues drawing as I hold the book, my mind over thinking everything. I realize how selfish Cam was for taking his life while there are other's living without a choice of living or dying. People with cancer are just waiting for death, while Cam brought it upon himself.

Over the past few weeks I've had several sessions with Dr. Dawes. The more I see her, the more clearer things get. Cam was sick, and even if I had stopped him that day, he probably would've done it another time. "Either way," she told me. "It wasn't your fault." She told me that Cam didn't feel the need for living anymore; she told me that he decided he didn't want to grow up and experience life. She told me that it was his decision, and no matter what I may think, it had nothing to do with me.

If only I believed her.

Things have gotten better, yes, but there's still that little voice inside my head that tells me that I am partly at fault. I could've stopped him if I wanted to. I could've helped him. But with that thought in mind I can feel the pang of guilt twist in my chest. I let out a shaky breath.

Eli takes the book from my hands and says something about returning it to the library. When he returns, he grabs his backpack and slings it over his shoulder before reaching a hand out to me. I take it and let him pull me up. Still holding onto my hand, Eli leans down to retrieve my things. He hands them to me, but I don't take them. I'm too busy looking at his eyes.

"Please don't die on me," I whisper softly. My tone tells him I'm vulnerable and, shockingly, I don't feel embarrassed as I gip onto his hand.

Something flashes in his eyes, but I'm distracted by the raindrop that lands on my cheek. I wipe it away and ignore the others as they continue to fall from the sky. Eli intertwines our fingers and tightens his grip on my hand.

"I wouldn't dare," he says softly. His tone is serious. He doesn't question my abrupt, vulnerable words and I wonder why.

The rain comes down harder and after a few minutes of standing there and taking it, Eli tugs on my hand and we begin to run. We run through the streets and across the lawn of the University. Instead of letting me go at the sidewalk that separates, Eli pulls me towards a path through the field. We duck under a few trees and continue on the other side of the field, his hand gripping mine tightly.

After about seven minutes of running, we reach a small house sitting on the far end of the street we're on. Eli lets go of my hand to fish his keys out of his pocket, and I realize we're at his place. When the lock clicks and the door swings open, he pulls me inside and slams the door shut, dropping our things to the ground. He kicked off his shoes and shuffled inside, turning a corner. I kick off my shoes and follow him, slightly shivering from the cold, wet clothes that clung to my skin. Turning the corner, I nearly run into Eli. He holds a dry t-shirt and sweat pants in his hands, and slowly hands them to me.

"Here. I'll put your clothes in the dryer," he says before turning back around and opening a door. "Here's the bathroom; feel free to shower or whatever. I'm going to change and then I'll be in the living room."

As he turns to leave, I speak up. "I could've gone home, you know."

Eli turns to glance at me and shrugs, "You could've. But we had plans and I don't want them to be ruined by the stupid weather."

Before I can say anything, he turns and enters a room at the end of the hall.

When I'm finished my shower, forced to use the body wash and shampoo Eli had, I get dressed in the clothes he had picked out for me. I gather my wet clothes in my hands and walk out of the bathroom and into the living room. Eli has changed into grey sweat pants and a white V-neck. He takes my clothes from me to throw them into the dryer as I sit on his couch. He returns and plops himself beside me. He turns on the TV, but before deciding on what show to watch, he turns his head to look at me.

He stares at me for a minute, and then his lips curl. He turns his attention back to the TV, "You smell like me."

I roll my eyes to hide the blush on my cheeks. "Well, maybe next time you should get some body wash for me. Preferably vanilla."

Eli shakes his head, "I didn't say it bothered me."

I stare at the side of his face and twist my lips, "You're so fucking weird."

He shrugs and searches through the guide on the TV to find something to watch. I glance over at the nightstand beside me and pick up the frame that is placed there. It contains a picture of Eli standing beside another boy I don't recognise. Eli's arm is wrapped around the boys shoulders and they're grinning like they've won the lottery. They're wearing matching band t-shirts and holding tickets in their hands.

"Who's this?" I ask as I point to the boy. Eli looks over briefly before turning to the TV. And just like that, something inside of him shifted. His whole demeanour changed.

"Adam," he says quick and short.

I catch on to the tension in the air. It's a touchy subject, so I place the picture frame down and keep my mouth shut. I grab a couch cushion and place it on Eli's lap before lying down and resting my head on it. I place my arm over the cushion and in front of my face, blocking my view of the TV. My fingers touch his, and I wait for him to protest before I place my hand fully in his. His fingers curl around mine as he picks a TV show to watch, but I close my eyes to rest instead of watching it.

"Wake me up when the storm ends," I say softly.

Eli breathes softly, "Okay."

* * *

I wake to the sound of thunder. It doesn't take long for my eyes to focus in on my surroundings. I'm not in the living room anymore; I'm in a different room and, instead of being on the couch I fell asleep on, I'm in a bed. The moonlight shinning through the window makes it's easier to see the few posters covering the walls and the dark blankest and sheets I'm covered in. My eyes widen slightly when I realize where I am.

I'm in Eli's bed.

I cast a glance at the clock that's sitting on his nightstand; it's just after midnight. I twist my lips in thought, but before I can even process the thought of Eli carrying me from the couch to his bed a loud rumble of thunder rolls through the house. I flinch and instinctively lift the blankets up to my face. Its quiet long enough for me to calm down. I turn on my side and close my eyes, ready to go back to sleep. Just when I can feel myself drifting off again, the booming is back.

I jump up from the bed and sprint through the hall and into the living room. Eli is lying on his side on the couch, his arm lounging off the edge as he points the remote at the TV, clicking through the channels. I walk over to the couch and stand by the arm that is supporting his head. He strains his neck to look at me, confusion and worry crossing his features.

"Are you okay?" His voice is soft, and I can tell he's sincere.

I chew on my thumb for a moment, debating my next move. I close my eyes and place my hands at my sides. "I'm not flirting or anything . . . I'm just scared."

I reach out to pull back the blanket covering him back and move to climb on the couch beside him.

He sits up slightly, amused. "Clare, I'm in my underwear." I glance down and take notice that he is in fact in his underwear. I wonder how I didn't notice he was shirtless before, but that thought is cut short when Eli lets out a chuckle. "You're staring."

I lift my gaze to his and roll my eyes before pulling the blanket over us and lying on my side next to him. "That's because you have skulls on your boxers." I snuggle under the blanket and press myself to him more. "The strange list just keeps on growing."

My head is pillowed by his arm as he continues to click through the channels. Another round of thunder comes; I lift the blanket to cover my head as if it'll protect me. My face is pressed into Eli's neck, his skin soft and warm. A memory of me getting stuck at Cam's house during a thunderstorm plays in my mind and I recall him making fun of me for it. He nagged me about being scared of something I couldn't see and emphasised the sounds every time they boomed through the house. I didn't talk to him for two days after that; two day's I'll never get back.

"You really don't like thunderstorms, do you?" Eli asks, bringing me back to the present.

I shake my head against him and lick my lips, "Bad memories. I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable, I just. . ."

Eli chuckles softly. "I'm far from uncomfortable."

My eyes flutter open to stare at his neck. He's still searching for something to watch, so he doesn't notice my staring. My eyes drift up to his face and I watch him concentrate on finding a good show to watch at this hour. He finds one and places the remote on the back of the couch before letting his arm fall. His hand rests on my hip, his eyes glued to the TV.

"Clare, you know thunder can't hurt you, right?" Eli's voice is soft. I can feel the vibration of his voice when he speaks.

I nod and clench my eyes shut as the booming continues. "I know. It's just so . . . loud."

Eli lifts his arm to reach for something on the table beside our heads, fumbling around for it. He sighs in satisfaction when he reaches it and pulls the blanket down from my face. He places headphones on my head and hands me his iPod. I smile at him in thanks and turn on my back, my head still on his arm. As I begin to make my own playlist Eli reaches over occasionally to add songs that he thinks I'll like, watching me as I scroll through the iPod. I'm surprised to see how similar our taste in music is.

Once I finish making my playlist, I hit the _shuffle_ button and shift beside him, cuddling closer to his warmth. Eli shifts and moves his arm across my middle as he rests his head next to mine. As an unfamiliar song plays through the headphones, blocking out all noise, I let my hand skim down his arm and to his fingers. I can feel him smile, though he doesn't look at me. His eyes are glued to the TV as I gently let my fingers slid down his and dip between them. His fingers curl around mine softly and I close my eyes and relish in the feeling.

I'm not sure if I like Eli in a romantic way, but I'm sure of a few things. I like the color of his eyes and the sound of his voice. I like the shape of his lips and the way he smiles. I like the way he smells and how it feels when he touches my hand. I like the feel of his heartbeat and the loud rumble of his dorky laugh. I like the passion he has towards books and how much he loves to discuss them with me. I like the way he makes me feel and the way he doesn't push. I like the way he looks at me and the way he says my name.

And I especially like the way he's holding me right now.


	7. Testing the Waters

**A/N:** You guys are too wonderful. I can't even fathom the amount of support you guys are giving me. Thank you so much and I hope you enjoy this chapter. P.s. Becca I updated a day early for you so you better enjoy this you nagging little shit. (I still love you enjoy)

**Summary:** _After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page._

* * *

My phone rings with a loud shrill, bouncing off the walls and interrupting my thoughts. I stay seated on my bed, pictures of my high school years splayed all over the comforter. Cam's smiling face stares up at me from the glossy paper in my hands. There are dozens of pictures of us, Jake, Katie, Cam's old girlfriend Maya, and even Cam's old best guy friend, Mike Dallas. I've always wondered what happened to him. He was a wreck after Cam's death. We stopped talking to each other after Cam passed; it seemed pointless without him.

The empty feeling in my stomach tightens when I reach for my phone. There's a dull pain in my chest that reminds me of the way I felt during the rest of my senior year. Though it's not as excruciating as it was back then, it still hurts to think about him.

"Hello?"

"Are you busy?" Eli sounds excited about something.

I stare at Cam's smiling face. "I was about to go to bed."

Eli grunts into the phone and the sound of a door closing echoes through the receiver. "No. I'm coming to get you. Be ready in ten."

He hangs up before I can protest. I place my phone down and stare at all of the pictures surrounding me. I pick up a certain picture and recall the last birthday Cam ever had. It's a picture of me, Maya and Cam. His face is covered with cake and icing, a slanted party hat placed on his head. Maya and I are on either side of him, all three of our smiles wide. Jake had taken the picture after Maya and I cornered Cam with handfuls of cake. It took thirty minutes to get all of the cake and icing out of his hair. My lips curl up into a genuine smile. There's a light flutter in my chest; recalling such a happy memory dulls the pain of wishing he were here. We had a lot of good times.

I hold on to those good times as I pull on my jacket and walk out of my apartment, the picture tucked into my back pocket.

* * *

Eli's carrying a wool blanket when I meet him at the library. I eye it curiously but he turns and walks away from the library and towards the street before I can say anything. We cross the road and I follow Eli as he makes his way towards the small forest that holds the path leads to his house. Although instead of walking to his house, he turns and makes his way down a road I've never been to before. I'm slugging behind and when he notices, he turns to look at me.

"Hurry up. We don't have much time." His voice is urgent and laced with excitement. I quickly jog up beside him. He shifts the blanket from his right hand to his left. He wraps his free arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. "I have a surprise for you."

I eye the blanket, "What's that for?"

Eli grins and stares ahead. "You'll see."

It's pretty dark outside. The lamp posts that line the sidewalk illuminate a path for us as we walk. He grabs my hand as he continues to walk down a dirt path through some bushes, pulling me with him. He drags me down a small hill and grips my hand tightly as he starts to jog slightly, unwilling to lose me. That's when I notice the train tracks that are placed high above our heads, held up by metal poles twisted around each other. The rest of the tracts are placed on the high ground on either side of the construction area we are in. I've never been over here. I've barely wandered far from the University or my apartment.

There are large metal boxes placed everywhere, some orange and some blue, each holding different items. Eli tugs my hand, wrenching me from my thoughts as he pulls me towards a long, tall gray box that is placed directly underneath the tracks. We reach the side of it and he tosses the blanket on top. He turns to me with a grin and moves to lock his fingers together and bend his knees.

I stare at him with wide eyes. "Oh no. No, I'm not going up there."

Eli gives me look, "Oh yes you are. Whether you go up willingly or not, you're going up there." I shake my head and take a step back. Eli straightens and frowns at me. "Clare, I need you to trust me. I promise you'll love this."

The pleading in his voice tells me that he's really excited to show me something. I sceptically step forward as he gets into position. I brace my hands on his shoulders and place one foot onto his locked hands, letting him push me up. I grab the top of the box and pull myself forward, climbing until I'm on the solid roof of the box. I look over the edge to watch Eli lift himself up, placing his foot in a dent on the side to help him climb up. Once he's seated next to me he grins.

He grabs the blanket and ushers me to move out of the way. He places it down and climbs on it, turning to lie on his back. Holding his arm out for me, he turns his head and catches my gaze. I reluctantly kneel forward and climb on my back beside him, resting my head on his arm. I realize just how big the blanket is when he reaches over to grab the end by me and the one on his side before pulling them together, wrapping the material around us. I'm immediately comforted by the warmth of his body, the blanket trapping it and holding it to me.

"It'll be coming soon," he whispers into my ear, his nose brushing the side of my face.

"What will?" I ask back, turning my head to face him. Our faces are barely two centimeters apart and I can see the dark specks of green in his eyes.

His grin widens as he looks up at the tracks. "The train."

Eyes wide, I turn to look at the tracks. For a moment I don't hear anything out of the ordinary, but then the faint wracking of the train is faintly heard. Eli's grip on me tightens and I'm overwhelmed with anticipation. A train is about to fly over us and Eli seems like happiest person alive while I'm close to a panic attack.

"Eli, I don't think this is a good idea."

"Just because it's not a good idea doesn't mean it's not fun as hell," he says, turning to look at me. I close my eyes and shake my head. I feel a small sliver of fear roll through my body. All I want to do right now is climb down from the box and walk away. Eli frowns. "Clare, you're going to love this. Nothing bad will happen. I do this all the time."

I turn to dig my head into his neck as the noises from the train get louder, signalling just how close it is getting. Eli pats my head and pulls the blanket tighter around us.

"You need to watch," he says loudly to be heard over the on coming train.

With a spilt second of rebelliousness, I turn my head and look up at the tracks. The light from the train blares down at us, momentarily blinding me as it passes, and wind blowing harshly at us as it rolls on by. Eli's laughing with complete joy and it's contagious. I'm feeling scared and reckless and joyful and amazed all at the same time. My face hurts from grinning for so long, and when Eli starts screaming I join him, enjoying the adrenaline rush I'm getting as I watch the train move above us.

When it's gone, our heavy breathing is the only thing that stands out. Eli's still laughing softly as I lay here, trying to grasp onto a single thought.

"That was such a rush," I breathe out.

When I look at him, Eli grins wide. "You can see the stars through the cracks," he says, pointing to the tracks above. I turn my head and take a look, and sure enough you can see the stars. "I used to come here every night and read."

I raise an eyebrow, "Used to? What happened?"

Eli clicked his tongue. "Well, I met you."

He doesn't look at me when he purses his lips. I frown. Turning back to the sky above, I realize that Eli had stopped coming here because we always met at the library. This place seems more fun than the library and I'd love to sit out here and read with Eli instead of on those uncomfortable chairs in the library.

"I'm sorry," I say, "for keeping you from this place. I know I'm not as exciting."

Eli turns to look at me, his eyebrows narrowed. "Don't apologize. You didn't keep me from here. I still come here, but it gets lonely, you know? I enjoy hanging out with you, Clare. It sure beats sitting at home eating pizza pops and watching the shit they call TV."

I smile, "You really like pizza pops, don't you?"

Eli sighs, "I do. I really do."

"Well I know what you're getting for a birthday present."

"My birthday is nearly six months away. I'm sure you can come up with something better than pizza pops," he teases, and I have a sudden urge to kiss him. He's right there, just inches from me, and if I just lean up and over I could connect our lips.

I don't though.

Instead, I stare at the tracks, shocked at the sudden thought. Eli doesn't give me much time to think over why I would even want to do such a thing because he's found the picture in my pocket, his fingers picking at the corner.

"What's this?" He asks. I eye his hand when he pulls it from my pocket and lifts it up to look at it. He unfolds it and I hold my breath as he stares at the picture of Maya, Cam and I on his birthday. I want to smile at the cake on Cam's face and the goofy grins on Maya's and my faces, but I'm gauging Eli's reaction. He glances at me, waiting for my answer to his question.

"That's Maya," I say, pointing to her smiling face. I hesitate when I shift my finger over Cam's face. I inhale sharply and whisper, "And that's Cam." I pause and close my eyes. "It was taken at his seventeenth birthday party."

Eli's quiet for a second and I look at him to see he's staring at the picture, his face twisted thoughtfully. "I wish you'd smile more often." He folds the picture back up and smoothly places it back in my pocket. "You have a lovely smile."

* * *

I spend the next week trying to figure out my sudden change in feelings. The more time I spend with Eli, the more I like about him. I've noticed that my choice in books has altered slightly. Instead of reading books that bring me down and remind me of everything bad in my life, I've begun to read more romance than anything. The occasional bad day will be filled with me shutting down and Eli bringing me green grapes and sitting quietly while I read.

On Wednesday I read _Beautiful Disaster_ by _Jamie McGuire_ and instantly fell in love with Travis Maddox. I'd cornered Eli at the picnic tables and told him about the book and all of the many reasons why I loved it; I told him everything that made me angry and the things that made my heart melt and the things that made my stomach clench. He listened with an amused grin on his face and interrupted me to ask questions and then told me to carry on when he understood. At the end of my rant he was silent. Then, with a serious face, he said, "I should get a tattoo. Maybe then I'd get laid."

I smacked him in the arm with the book.

Today isn't any different. I just finished reading _Paper Towns_ by _John Green_ and am in the middle of explaining how amazing it is to Eli. He seems more interested in this book rather than the last few that I explained to him. He listens to me as I continue on about how the book could be so intriguing and funny and how much I love the plot, his face pointing at the sun, his eyes squinting and lips curled. I trail off in mid sentence as I realized just how much I like the way the sun hits his hair and the way he's tapping his foot on the seat next to me.

"What?" His voice wrenches me from my thoughts and I snap back into reality to see he's staring at me.

I shake my head and act like I'm thinking. "Sorry, I forgot where I was."

I don't have time to pick up where I left off because Jake's bellow is heard from behind us. I turn and see he's walking over to us, arms swinging by his side and his grin wide. Jake steps in front of Eli and blocks the sun from his face with his head.

"How's my favorite person in the whole world?" Jake asks, shuffling my hair. I know he's teasing but I can't help but shake my head and try my best to fix my hair.

"I'm great. And yourself?" Eli answers before I can, his lips curling into a wide grin when Jake shoots him a look.

"I was talking to Clare, you cocky bastard," Jake says, reaching over to pinch Eli on the arm.

"Why does everyone think I'm a cocky bastard?" Eli questions, a look of utter confusion and slight offence on his face.

"Shouldn't your girlfriend be your favorite person in the whole world?" I ask Jake, raising a questioning eyebrow at him.

"Katie's my favorite girl. You're my favorite person, always will be." Jake sits beside me and nudges me with his shoulder. I reach over to grab and fry from Eli's take-out bag and throw it at Jake's face.

"Stop kissing ass. What do you want?" I say. Eli looks to Jake.

Jake laughs nervously. "Well as you know, Katie and I were supposed to go back today," they were visiting for a few days, "but my truck was making this really weird sound so we brought it to the shop. There's something wrong with the engine and they're keeping it over night, so I was wondering if we could spend the night at your place . . .?"

I narrow my eyes, "What happened to the hotel?"

"We already packed up and paid for our stay. It's pointless to go to the hotel for another night and spend money I don't have when I have the best sister in the world with her own apartment." Jake gives me a grin, trying to make me break.

"Jake, my place isn't big enough for us. The last time you crashed on my couch you were a whiny little boy and I'm not making Katie sleep there. Can't you just stay in the hotel one more night?"

"Can't you just stay at a friends place?" Jake asks.

I point my thumb at Eli. "He's the only friend I have, Jake. You really want to force me to spend the night with him?"

Eli's head snaps in my direction, his eyes going from me to Jake and back. "What's so bad about spending the night at my place? You didn't complain last time."

I can feel my cheeks flame when Jake looks at me, wide eyed. He snaps his head in Eli's direction and stands. "Last time? What the fuck did you do to my sister?"

Eli's eyes widen when he realizes his mistake. "Nothing, I didn't do–"

"I swear to God if you even touch her I'll have your balls on a silver platter," Jake snarls.

"Jake," I snap. "You can't control what I do or who I do." Eli chokes on my words but tries to cover it with a cough. My cheeks are on fire but I don't stop because I'm too mad to be embarrassed. "Nothing happened between us. We're _friends_."

"Don't worry. I like Clare too much to sleep with her." Eli's words shock me, until I realize what he means. He values our friendship too much to even think of me that way. I feel a tad bit disappointed that he won't ever see me in a romantic way, but I'm quick to hide it.

Jake sighs and sits down. "Sorry. I just feel like I should protect you all the time. Since Cam I've just been–"

My eyes widen at the mention of Cam and Jake looks at me apologetically when he realizes the slip up.

Eli sits up and rests his elbows on his knees. "You mean the guy in the picture?"

He's talking to me but I don't look at him. Jake and I are having a silent conversation. Him saying he's sorry and me telling him to watch his mouth next time. But Eli's words snap Jake back into reality.

"He knows?" Jake asks me.

Eli snaps his head to Jake. "Know what?"

I press my lips together and glare Jake down. I quickly reach into my bag and pull out my keys and toss them at Jake. "Stay at my place. I'll figure something out."

Jake thanks me and is quick to leave when I give him a dirty look. I can't believe he would let that slip. He didn't say much but I know it pegged Eli's curiosity. I turn back to him and see him staring at me with the most confused look I have ever seen.

"What happened with Cam?" Eli asks. I shake my head and begin to pack up my things. The next time he speaks, his voice is clipped and strained. "Did he do something to you?"

I stop my movements and look up when I realize Eli's getting the wrong idea. He thinks Cam had hurt me, either physically or emotionally, or both. I don't want to tell Eli the whole truth just yet, so I shake my head. "No, Eli. He was my best friend."

Eli's body visibly relaxes and he runs a hand through his hair, relief radiating from his body. "Jesus. Well, what happened?"

I twist my lips and look to the sky. "I don't want to talk about it. Can we just go read for a while before I get my stuff and head to your place? You've earned yourself a roommate for the night."

Eli stands up and grabs my bag from my hand, slinging it over his shoulder. "Sure."

* * *

The weird thing about being so attached to a certain area in the library is that you miss out on the few changes around the place. Like the fact that there are now several been bag chairs placed in the corner of the library. Eli noticed it when he walked around to find a book he'd be interested in and ran to them faster than a kid on Christmas morning would run to their presents.

We sit in them, me in a green one and him in a black one. He's found a book and has his nose buried deep in it. I'm slouched in mine, the book I was reading placed on my stomach. I thought I was in the mood to read, but I guess not. I tried but after I spent ten minutes rereading the same page from getting distracted by my thoughts, I gave up. I watch Eli as he reads, his fingers flipping pages every few moments. I'm not sure if he realizes that he does it, but his tongue seems to poke out the corner of his mouth a lot when he reads. It's cute, yet strange.

I blink in surprise when he slams his book shut and turns his been bag chair to face me. "You seem bored. Let's have a staring contest."

I smile. "Thumb wrestling and staring contests. How old are you?" I tease.

Eli rolls his eyes and tugs on my chair for me to turn it. I do and sit so I'm facing him. We lean in so we're close and personal, getting a clear view of each other's eyes.

"Go," he says.

His eyes are wide, mirroring mine, as we stare at each other. It's not long before I can feel my eyes start to sting from restraining to blink. His eyes dart between my own, back and forth. I do the same to him, feeling a burning sensation in my eyes. I'm determined to win, but I don't know how long I can take it.

He seems to have everything under control, and for a moment I want to accuse him of cheating. But how can you cheat at a staring contest?

Just before I'm ready to give up and blink, Eli does the unthinkable.

He leans forward, just the slightest, and touches his lips to mine. It's the lightest caress of his lips on mine, and after a brief widening of my eyes, they flutter closed. He's not prying my mouth open or trying to shove his tongue down my throat; he's just kissing me. I'm thankful that he's not forcing his mouth on mine or holding my face to keep me in place; he's letting me decide if I want to continue kissing him or not.

When I don't pull away, his fingertips graze my knee, the slightest touch sending a wave of warmth from his fingers through my jeans and spreading to my skin. He's moved closer, taking my lack of retreating as a good sign, because it is. His lips part slightly and I feel mine following his actions, our lips pressing between one another's. He swirls his fingers around, drawing imaginary lines on my knee. His tongue grazes my bottom lip so softly that I almost don't feel it. I'm not sure if he's asking permission into my mouth or not but that doesn't stop me from spreading my lips wider for him. He doesn't make a move though, and I sigh contently into his mouth. I move my hand for the first time and reach up to graze my fingernails over the length of his jaw, my stomach fluttering at the sound of appreciation he makes in the back of his throat.

He retracts, pulling back slightly to create some distance. I open my eyes to see him staring at me with wide, curious orbs. I stare back with wonder.

"I'm sorry," he blurts. "I didn't – that wasn't supposed to happen. You were just so close and you smell really fucking good and I – I was just testing the waters."

I can't help it. I grin at him. "And how are they?"

His fingers on my knee slowly move as he begins to caress it. He gazes at me with shinning eyes. "They're nice." He pauses. "Very, _very_ nice."

I smile softly and reach up to graze my fingertips across his bottom lip. There's a dip in the middle of it that I've never noticed before and I run my index finger down it. His eyes never leave my face. I lean toward him more and slide my fingertips from his lips, across his cheek and down to his neck. I let my fingers dance across his skin for a moment, feeling his eyes on me, before pulling my hand back and placing it in my lap.

His eyes widen then, sudden horror displaying on his face. My stomach churns. "Jake's going to have my balls on a silver platter now."

I let out a subtle sigh of relief and shake my head. "He won't if I tell him I liked it," I say, and Eli's face relaxes. I pause and he stares at me, his fingers still touching my knee. "Because I did. Like it, I mean."

His lips curl on one side at my confession, and without saying another word he picks up his book and continues reading. I lean back in the been bag chair and do the same, deciding I can get a few pages in before we have to leave.

"I win," he grins, referring to the staring contest.

I toss my bookmark at him.


	8. Her Confession

**A/N:** You guys are awesome and make writing this story much better. Kind of a filler chapter but it's necessary. Hope you all enjoy!

**Summary:** _After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page._

* * *

Katie was never one to keep the things on her mind to herself. She's always been a very outspoken person. Today was no different.

As I'm packing up my things, she's watching me like hawk, eyes narrowed and brow furrowed. She has her arms crossed and all of her weight on her right foot. I silently stuff a change of clothes and a pair of pajamas into an overnight bag. Katie's eyes never leave me as I walk out of my room and into the bathroom, grabbing my toiletries before entering my room again. I'm not sure why, but I don't look her in the eye. Maybe if I do she'll figure out that I had been kissed an hour previous by Elijah Goldsworthy.

I zip up my bag and do a mental count, making sure I have everything that I need. When I'm sure that I do I turn to look at Katie. She raises an eyebrow, and I crack.

"Eli kissed me," I blurt.

Katie's eyes widen and her face twists from accusation to complete joy in a matter of seconds. She hops over to me and grips my hand, softly squealing like a clichéd high school girl. I can feel my cheeks warm up at my words and I laugh awkwardly. I don't know what to do; I don't feel like jumping around my room and I sure as hell don't feel like squealing. But there's a small feeling of contentment in my chest that warms my body, and I just want to sit and take it all in. Katie doesn't give me that opportunity, though.

"Tell me _everything_!" She squeals.

I blow out a breath of air. "There's not much to say. We were in the middle of a staring contest and he just . . . leaned in and kissed me. No tongue, no groping. Just a kiss."

Katie claps her hands excitedly, alarming me. She's never one to act like this. She's kind of a badass, so seeing this part of her is quite amusing. "Did you like it?"

"More than I should have."

"Is he a good kisser?"

"He's excellent."

Katie sighs dreamily and falls onto the bed. "I knew he liked you. He took you to Arctic Monkeys for crying out loud."

I purse my lips and twist my fingers together. "I don't know, Katie. I think he was just as shocked as I was by the kiss. It was kind of spontaneous."

Katie grins, "Those are the best kinds of kisses. Whenever Jake kisses me out of the blue it's like a sudden turn on."

I hold up my hand and shake my head, "Okay, that' enough. I think I'm done."

She stands and hands me my bag. I sling it over my shoulder and we turn to exit the room. Eli and Jake are standing by the door, conversing and laughing. I'm assuming Eli hasn't told Jake, and I quickly turn to signal Katie, silently telling her to keep this secret to herself. She seals her lips and I'm forced to trust her.

Jake pulls me into a hug and I can't help but look at Eli over his shoulder. Eli's attention is elsewhere, though, his eyebrows knitted together as he stares at Katie. I sharply turn to look at Katie, taking notice of her unsettling grin. I slap her arm and say goodbye to her and Jake before grabbing Eli's arm and pulling him through the door.

* * *

"You can take my bed; I'll crash on the couch."

Before I can protest he's already making himself a bed on the couch. I decide to let him be and go change into my pajamas. I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror for a minute. I don't look any different, but I feel different. I brush my finger over my lips before letting my arm rest at my side. I sigh shakily and reach for my pajamas, pulling on the soft pants and a tank top. I pull my hair up and blow the few stray curls out of my face before exiting the bathroom. I place my bag by the front door before making my way back into the living room. Eli's changed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and he's fluffing his pillow.

He turns to look at me and I smile softly when he jumps, startled by my presence. He gives me a small smile and we stay standing, unmoving and staring at each other. The sound of the clock on the wall ticking echoes between us, the living room illuminated by the moonlight shining through the window. His hair is brushing the tops of his eyes and he's too far away from me for me to tell what he's thinking.

I push myself up from the wall and walk towards him. Once I'm planted right in front of him, I notice the small space between his parted lips and the way his shoulder are broad and practically screaming for me to touch them. I take a step closer and he leans in not-so-subtly. I open my mouth to say something and watch his eyes as they watch my lips, wondering if he's still thinking about the kiss like I am.

Losing my courage, I wrap my arms around him in a hug. I can tell he wasn't expecting it from the tenseness of his body, but he relaxes and hugs me back. I pull back and give a nod, "Goodnight, Eli."

I turn and quickly make my way to his room. The only sound for about five seconds is my feet scuffing on the carpet until his footsteps are joined. I barely make it to the door of his bedroom before I'm spun around and pressed up against it. Eli's dark eyes are penetrating me as his breath hits my face. His hands grip mine and lock them on either side of my hand, his fingers slowly sliding between mine. I'm too shocked to push him away, but I'm unsure of if I even want to.

He presses his body to mine, letting me feel every inch of him. He dips his head to brush his lips over mine, not giving me a chance to kiss him before he retracts. I want to scream at him, _kiss me goddammit_, but I can't find my voice. I'm rendered speechless. His nose brushes mine while his fingers grips mine tighter, his eyes fluttering closed and his breathing shallow. He skims his nose up mine, his lips trailing behind, and places a kiss on my forehead.

"Goodnight, Clare."

Eli releases me and turns to walk back into the living room. After a few minutes of collecting myself, I turn and open the door before climbing into his bed. I try to force myself to fall asleep without the tainted memory of his lips on mine but fail miserably as I fall into the best sleep I've had in over a year.

* * *

I'm not sure how I pulled myself out of bed this morning or who it was that I bumped into on my way to the University or what any of my professors were talking about in any of my classes , but I'm sure of one thing.

I like Eli.

Am I ready to admit that to him?

_Hell no._

The past two days were slightly torturous. The day after our spontaneous kiss was the last time I saw him. He was too busy with an assignment to hang out and yesterday, after my appointment with Dr. Dawes, I went home and took a hot bath before going to bed. We didn't text or call; I didn't see him at the Dot during my small coffee run after I left Dr. Dawes' office. We had no contact.

So seeing him for the first time in two days definitely hit me with an unexpected rush.

It's raining and my hair is frizzing and my jeans are clinging to my legs uncomfortably, but I can see him standing in front of the library waiting for me. His hair is wet and his clothes damp, but he's sheltered by the small roof above the library doors. He sees me before I can call out his name, and the way his lips curl into a grin make my stomach flip.

I'd say it's like one of those clichéd scenes from a romantic movie that was written by Nicholas Sparks where the girl runs to the guy and he catches her and there share a passionate kiss, but it's not. I find my feet picking up into a run, though my shoelace is lose and I trip; I catch myself before I can make a fool out of myself and carefully skip my way over to him. I'm grinning and he's laughing as he steps out to meet me. When I reach him I don't jump into his arms for him to catch me like I would if I were Rachael Adams; his arms circle my waist and I shakily lift my arms to wrap them around his neck, my fingers frozen from the rain. I dig my fingers into his damp shirt as I rest my temple against his cheek, my breathing heavy from how cold I am.

But Eli whispers, "I missed you," and I feel sudden warmth invading my body. I don't respond due to the fact that my lips are frozen from the cold, and he leads us inside.

Once we're inside I reach for him again and dig my face into his shoulder, trying to warm up my lips enough to talk. One of his arms circles my shoulder while the other is placed on my hip. He doesn't say anything and I'm thankful for that; I don't want this to get awkward. I pull back finally and stand in front of him, feeling my face warm up a bit. I know my hair is a mess but I don't think Eli minds, which makes me forget about it.

"I missed you, too," I say.

He looks away from me to try and hide his smile but isn't very subtle about it. He steps forward and looks at me, his hands reaching down to grab my own. He brings them up at eye level and slides his fingers between mine. I watch his face as he begins to swing our joined hangs back and forth, making us sway softly.

"What do you want to do? I'm not really in the mood for reading right now." Eli rocks on the balls of his feet.

I'm not sure if that was supposed to be suggestive or not, but either way I say, "You can come to my place." He stops rocking and his eyes widen slightly. I can't help but let out a small laugh, "I want to show you something."

"Your bedroom?"

I try to let one of his hands go but he tightens his grip, his grin broadening. I finally accept that he's not going to let my hand go so I shove our joined hands back to hit him in the shoulder, shocking him.

"Ow," he says, looking at me with wide eyes.

"I'm trying to open up to you and you're making jokes. Stop it." I say, putting on my pout.

His face softens and he pulls me closer by my hands. "What do you want to show me?"

I dip my head down to hide my face with my bangs. "Pictures from my high school years. I have a few stories you're going to want to hear."

Eli grins and tugs me towards the front doors, "Oh this ought to be good."

* * *

"A vibrator?"

"Don't laugh."

He does anyway. He's on the verge of tears, clutching his stomach as he bellows out his laughter. I feel my cheeks flame as I place the picture of Alli and I back into the box. I immediately regret telling Eli the story of the time Alli and I found a purple vibrator in Mr. Simpson's house and decided to take it to school.

I huff when Eli's laughter doesn't subside. "Okay, I think we're done." I pick up the lid to the box and try to place it on top but Eli grabs my hand and pulls it back.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm done, I swear."

I look at him and he snorts with another laugh but quickly places his hand over his mouth. I cross my legs on my bed and shift beside him, our knees touching. I reach in and look for another photo. I grab one and lift it up for us to see. It's Jake and Katie at prom, Maya and Cam photo bombing in the back. I smile to myself and explain to Eli how upset Katie was after she realized the photo had been ruined.

"But in all honesty I think it makes the picture way better," I finish. Eli smiles at me and nods.

He reaches in the box and pulls out a picture as I put the other back. He lifts it to his face and inspects it carefully. He turns it to face me and silently asks me to explain. I feel my eyes widen at the picture of K.C., Jenna and I; after I found out that K.C. had dumped me for Jenna I had crossed out their faces with Sharpie. Grade nine was not my forte.

Eli raises his eyebrows in question. I point at the picture, "Ex-boyfriend and the skank he left me for."

Eli snorts with laughter and shakes his head. "What an idiot," he mutters before placing the picture back in the box. I stare at the side of his face as he picks up another picture.

"Who is this?" Eli asks, pointing to the picture. I turn my head to see what he's pointing at.

"Mike Dallas. He was Cam's other best friend. When Cam and I weren't together, they were."

Eli draws his eyebrows together. "Did you and Mike not get along?"

It's weird hearing Dallas' first name when I'm so used to calling him by his last. I don't try to correct Eli, though.

"Oh, we got along. We hung out all the time. But Cam was sort of the glue that held us together, you know?"

Eli stares at the picture and made a small noise. "Yeah, I know."

We stare at the picture for a moment longer before Eli reaches in to pull out another picture, letting the other fall in its place. I rest my head on his shoulder and stare at the picture he picked up. This one is of Cam and I. We're both soaking wet with a huge towel wrapped around the both of us. I'm laughing at something in the distance and Cam is smiling at the camera. This was during the summer after grade eleven. Jake threw a beach party because school was out and for the fact that he had actually graduated, and someone had caught us in the aftermath of a water fight Cam and I had. It was a fond memory to look back on.

"You look happy," Eli says, wrenching me from my thoughts.

I nod my head against his shoulder, "I was. Cam was my best friend, my rock; no one understood me like he did. We went through everything together."

"You keep talking in past tense," Eli says softly. I freeze against him, my breath getting caught in my throat. "Are you and Cam not friends anymore?"

I close my eyes and let out a shallow breath. "He's not around anymore."

Eli's quiet for a moment. I open my eyes to see he's still staring at the picture, and I can't seem to tear my eyes away from it either.

"What happened?"

My eyes are locked on Cam's face in the picture. His smile is wide and his eyes are shining. It makes me wonder why he did it. What had made him kill himself? What changed in him? There are so many unanswered questions that are always picking at my brain, over and over again. I can lie to myself about what happened. I can say that Cam just didn't want to live anymore, that it wasn't my fault; that he wasn't in a good place, and that he was sick. But I know none of it is true.

And before I can think of a reason not to, I tell Eli the truth.

"He shot himself," I say, and watch the picture slowly fall from his fingers.


	9. Weight of Living

**A/N:** Not sure how you guys will react to this chapter, it's kind of all over the place. _Thank you guys so much_ for the reviews and support! I'm so pleased with your reactions. I'm glad you all love this story. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Anyway, enjoy! P.s. sorry about how short last chapter was; hopefully this makes up for it!

**musiksnob:** I want to thank you for what you said in your review. All of your reviews, actually. You're so sweet and I'm so glad you like this story. Thank you!

**Summary:** _After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page._

* * *

He doesn't say anything for the longest time. Sitting with his legs crossed and hands dangling, Eli does nothing but let me weep beside him. I'm not even sure when I started crying or if he even notices, but he doesn't say anything. My head falls from his shoulder and into my hands, my tears wetting my palms immediately. I hadn't said it out loud in so long. Dr. Dawes doesn't make me say it because she knows the effect it has on me. But yet I said it and now I'm falling apart at the seams.

Eli still doesn't say anything, but when I move to wipe my tears I notice he has brought his hand up to cover his mouth, his eyes staring at my bedroom door.

"If you want to leave I understand," I say. I let out a shaky breath as I wipe my tears, trying to calm myself down. I don't want to cry in front of Eli. I don't want him to see me like this.

Still, he doesn't say anything.

I gather all of the pictures and shove them back in the box, close the lid and move to place it back on the top shelf of my closet. I don't turn back around immediately. I find myself gripping onto the doorframe as I cry harder, the tears coming without permission. My hands are quick to wipe away the tears, and as I turn around, ready to face whatever Eli has to say to me, I collide into his chest. I'm too shocked to say anything as he wraps his arms around me, and before I know it I'm collapsing into his embrace, becoming the train wreck that's buried just underneath my second wall. He falls to the floor with me and lets me cry into his shoulder, his hand placed on my back while his lips are pressed to the top of my head.

And finally, he speaks. "I'm not going to say it's okay, because that's bullshit. But don't you ever for a second think I'm going to leave you alone like this." His voice is sincere and quiet. He mutters, "We're not so different, you know."

I don't have the energy to ask what he means, so I just bring my hand up to grip onto his arm. "Don't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone. God, I shouldn't have told you. Please don't tell anyone."

"Clare," he whispers. His voice is slightly hoarse, and there's a hint of sadness dripping from his every word. "I don't have anyone to tell."

* * *

I hoped that spilling my secret to Eli would make me trust him more, but it didn't. With each passing day I felt more worried that he would tell someone or think low of me or tell me how pathetic I am and remind me why I pushed everyone away in the first place. Every time he saw me I'd dread that pity look everyone gave me during my senior year when I had to graduate with my best friend buried in the ground. I wasn't sure if I missed every look of pity Eli gave me, but I knew that I'd never seen it. But it was there; it had to be. If the subject was ever brought up his eyes would fill with understanding and he'd wander to a far off place in his mind for a moment before changing the subject to try and make me forget.

Even so, I began to limit my time with him. I didn't want to get attached. Well, any more attached than I already was; the boy had kissed me for crying out loud.

I've been dodging Eli all day. He met me in the morning before class with a green tea and I mentally cursed at myself when I rushed off after taking it with a polite thank you. At lunch I made an excuse about needing to catch up on a paper in the library and how he would just be a distraction if he stayed. I didn't miss the way his face fell, and when he placed a smile that didn't reach his eyes on his face I wanted to wrap my arms around him. He was trying to make things go back to normal, to before I told him about Cam. He was trying so hard, and I just kept shooting him down.

Eli stops me at the pathway where our separation starts and speaks before I can. "I know you're avoiding me. It's okay, I understand. But I just want to know if things are okay between us . . . if _we're_ okay."

I frown and drop my gaze to his shoulder. "We're okay," I whisper softly. I can see his body relax, but I don't look at his face. I inhale sharply. "I told you something I haven't said out loud in a year and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I don't know if I trust you, to be honest. I'm scared."

He takes a deep breath and steps closer to me. I'm tempted to take a step back but it's hard to turn away when he wraps an arm around my shoulder and holds me to his chest. I stare blankly at a tree behind him and let him hold me, my fingers gripping onto the edge of his jacket.

"I wouldn't dare tell anyone about Cam. It's your business and I just had the privilege of gaining your trust long enough for you to share it with me. I'll do anything to prove that your secrets safe with me." His voice is soft and comforting.

I sigh into the air and rest my chin on his shoulder.

He shifts his head and presses his lips to the top of my head. "I care about you and I want you to know that. When you're ready to talk, we'll talk. And if you're not ready then we can talk about everything else. Just please don't push me away. You're not the only one who needs a friend in this relationship."

I shakily release him and he reluctantly rests his arms by his side. I stare up at him and notice the nervousness and utter sincerity in his eyes. He cares about me. I care about him. I don't want to push him away. He doesn't want me to push him away. I realize what I do want and decide to take a risk.

"I want you to kiss me again, Eli." He relaxes at my words but doesn't make a move. "Not right now, but later on. When I get a few things figured out, I'll let you know. Is that okay?"

Eli nods and my breath catches when his lips turn up into a shy grin, "Yeah, that's okay."

* * *

_I tripped on the sidewalk when I approached Cam's aunt's place, his temporary home. Cam had missed school today and didn't answer any of my texts, so I decided to check up on him. If he was sick he probably was sleeping, his phone turned off. It made sense. Until his house came into view. _

_There were two cop cars and an ambulance truck crowded around the sidewalk and driveway. Police were walking around and there was movement in Cam's bedroom window. I noticed his aunt and uncle were outside, talking to a police officer. She was sobbing and he was holding her, his own face twisted in pain and sadness. I didn't know what to do. I was frozen in place for a few minutes. But then I dropped my bag to the sidewalk and ran to the house. _

_Both his aunt and uncle saw me coming, but before they could yell at me to stop or warn anyone I was already bursting through the door. I could hear everyone calling after me, his aunt and uncle shouting my name along with the word "stop" over and over again. My boots thudded against the stairs as I ran up them, blocking out the following footsteps as people raced after me. His door was open and I didn't think before I stormed inside. _

_Everything happened in slow motion. _

_Everyone in the room turned in unison as I entered and scrambled to tell me I shouldn't be here and that I need to leave. They were all large and walking towards me, getting ready to push me out the door. But I saw him, and the scream that escaped my mouth couldn't have been human. _

_There was blood._

_Lots, and lots of blood. _

_He was on his bed, back pressed to the mattress and face to the ceiling. His eyes were open and too dull to be alive. His face was unrecognisable, crimson covering half of his head and soaking his pillows. The splatters on the walls represented my soul, broken and scattered. My heart supported a gaping hole, much like his head. Bile crept up my throat and I felt nauseous. For a moment I just stood there, only seeing him. I couldn't see the people rushing to try and get me out of the room; I couldn't see anything through my tears other than his lifeless body. _

_As if I were in some drama filled movie everything sped up. Cam's uncle had reached me in time to catch me as I fell to the ground, another blood curdling cry escaping my throat. The tears fell faster and harder the longer I was in the room and long after I was pulled out. His uncle pulled me out and held me to his chest as we sat against the wall next to Cam's bedroom door. His aunt had appeared and the three of us were a tangle of tears and death grips and questions of _why_. Neither of us had an answer to any of the questions that taunted us, but I realized something that had shattered any bit of sanity that I had left. _

_Cam's dark twisted fantasy had turned into reality. _

Shooting up from my bed, I realize it was my own scream that had awoken me. I hate reliving that memory, and unfortunately I still get the occasional subconscious nightmare about that terrifying day. My forehead, the back of my neck and the valley between my breasts is slick with sweat. Trying to calm myself down didn't work too well; I'm still sobbing from the vivid detail of my nightmare. I am forced to live with the memories of that horrid day.

There are times when I wish that my mind had repressed the memory. That way I wouldn't be such a tortured soul. Maybe then I would be able to live my life without the fear of losing every single person I get close to.

* * *

Jake and Katie _Skyped_ me on Thursday. I got a few minutes of conversing with my mom and Glen, but they couldn't stay for more than five minutes because they had a benefit they were going to be late for. In the short minutes my mom was able to talk to me she pestered me with questions about therapy and nightmares and school. Glen looked uncomfortable, Katie irritated and Jake angry. Jake didn't like it when my mom acted like she really cared; she wasn't the one who took care of me when Cam died or got me help when I needed it. Jake was the shoulder I cried on and the arms that held me up when I was about to collapse. Katie was like his sidekick, and with them by my side, I was able to make it through my last year of high school.

Every time the Cam subject was brought up Glen seemed like he wanted to be anywhere but there while my mom acted like she was bringing up the weather. They rushed out the door after I gave them some brief answers to her questions; _therapy's good, haven't had a nightmare since I left home, and my grades are decent. Have fun, love you._

Jake and Katie stayed up with me for a while and we laughed and talked and teased. It was a nice feeling and for a bit I had wished I was there with them. We had a lot of good times. But I had school in the morning so I went to bed and promised to call Jake the next day after my therapy session. Not much had changed between the hours of me going to bed and the minute my therapy session ended, so our conversation was brief.

I told Dr. Dawes about my nightmare but kept my lips shut when I talked to Jake. If I told him he'd be down here faster than I could say night terror.

I barely saw Eli all week, but when I did we would talk and read and occasionally joke around. When we'd read I would always catch him staring at me but I wasn't sure if he knew he was doing it. He always seemed so far off, like he was thinking about something that involved me but didn't revolve around me. Like he was searching me for an answer to a question I had no way of knowing.

Even so, throughout our occasional hang outs and lunch breaks I realized that Eli wasn't just my friend or an amazing guy that made me feel safe and kissed like a god. I realized he was someone that I was able to be friends with while knowing we were more. He was someone that I could share a secret with and not worry about being judged. He was someone who understood what it's like to want to be left alone at certain moments. He was someone that I can call my best friend and also that special someone that made my heart flutter.

He was that someone that people wish they knew inside and out.

And I knew the only way I was going to be able to do that was to open up to him.

He answers on the third ring when I call him. "Grand central station, how may I help you?"

I roll my eyes. "Yes, I'm looking for a guy who wouldn't mind wandering around in the middle of the night with a helpless girl who's ready to talk about her tragic life."

Eli makes a noise on the other end of the line before he speaks. "Ah, sounds like a job for Eli Goldsworthy. Although it's way passed his bedtime I'm sure he's willing to break his sleeping schedule for said helpless girl."

"She'll be at the library."

"Okay. But he'll be at the University with a surprise."

I look up at the ceiling, a grin spread wide across my face, "What kind of surprise?"

"She'll have to show up to find out."

He hangs up before I can reply, but I'm not sure I have a reply. I place my phone in my pocket and stand from the couch in my living room. My heart beats a thousand miles per hour as I march to the door, my arm robotically reaching out to grab a sweater before I exit my apartment, closing and locking the door behind me. I practically sprint to the University, not even taking in consideration that I will probably make it there before Eli does. I do and feel kind of stupid as I wait near the front doors. It's cold outside but I'm just about sweating from the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I've decided to open up to someone and it's nerve wracking and makes my insides squirm, but I'm not scared. He already knows the worst about me and the few details I haven't shared won't change anything between us.

At least I hope not.

A hand wraps around my wrist and before I have time to scream I'm being pulled along the side of the University. I don't have to ask who the leather jacket and dark shaggy hair belong to. Eli doesn't say anything as he pulls me around and behind the University. His skin on mine makes my flesh burn in the best way possible and I can barely keep up with him.

We reach his destination and I slam into his back when he stops. The leather feels nice on my cold cheek but I'm soon facing his grey clothed chest. I blink up at him and he just stares at me, silently contemplating his next move. I can tell by the way his eyes can't focus on a single part of my face.

"Trust me," he whispers. "I need you to trust me."

I don't say anything, but the small nod I give is enough for him to continue. Without tearing his eyes from mine, he reaches up – nearly having to jump – and wraps his hand around something before pulling it down. I jump back, startled, as a ladder comes sliding down, the metal bouncing off the ground multiple times before it settles. I stare at it with bewilderment and hesitancy as Eli moves to stand beside it.

"You've got to be kidding me," I say. I let my eyes follow the ladder up and realize it reaches all the way to the roof.

"Remember the last time you doubted me? Exactly how much did you love the rush of having a train fly above you?" I can hear Eli's grin, that's how big it is.

Knowing I wouldn't win any argument with this man, I huff and roll up the sleeves of my sweater before stepping forward. I grip the ladder in my hands and shake my head. "I'm going to regret this."

"Only if you don't do it," Eli replies.

So I climb and Eli follows and I try not to think about the fact that he's probably staring at my ass right now. I don't look down as I climb, scared that if I do I'll freeze and have to call the fire department to come get me down. I let out the breath I've been holding the whole way up when I reach the top. Climbing onto the roof was scarier than climbing the ladder. I stand and turn to watch Eli as he climbs onto the rooftop, stepping in front of me with a grin as wide as the ocean.

"Surprise," he mutters.

"How the hell do you find places like this?" I ask.

"Urban Adventures is my middle name," he responds. I give him a look and he shrugs. "I hated being at home when I couldn't sleep so I'd snoop around until I found something cool."

I can't think of anything to say so I slap him on the arm playfully and turn to take in the view. There's not much to see since it's nearly two in the morning, the lamp posts looking smaller than usual. I realize we're higher than I intended and gulp as I step closer to the edge. Eli's not as hesitant as I am. He runs to the edge and I can feel my heart drop to the floor when he steps on it. His arms fly out and his head tosses back, a loud bellow falling from his lips.

I don't have time to realize that he's just trying to have fun before I quickly reach forward to grab his hand and pull him back. I catch him off guard and he stumbles back into me, a low "whoa" echoing into the night air as we crash into the pavement of the roof. Somehow Eli turns us in time so he breaks my fall, letting out a soft grunt.

I don't punch him for being so stupid or rip myself away from him because we're in such a compromising position. Instead I grip his face in my hands and look into his eyes, my face so close to his our noses almost touch.

"You can't fucking do that, Eli. Jesus, what if you fell? Oh, my God, what if you–" I close my eyes and shake my head.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "Oh God I'm sorry." He's realized his mistake and I bite my tongue to keep from crying.

His arm tightens around me and his fingers touch the back of my neck, bringing my head down and touching his cheek to my forehead. My fingers curl around his shirt as I press my body into his harder. We stay like that for a while; the only sounds are the wind rustling the leaves on the trees. By the time I'm done calming down I don't feel like letting Eli go just yet.

I shift my head to look at him, our faces just as close as they were before, maybe even closer. I let my eyes sweep over his face, noticing things I didn't notice before. His lips are slanted and his nose is a little crooked and his eyes have dark circles and lines around them. His skin looks tired and his hair is knotted, and my God is he ever beautiful. He takes my breath away.

I don't know what kind of look I have on my face but according to the look on Eli's I must have been admiring him for a while.

"Now?" He asks in a breath.

My head tilts and just as I open my mouth to ask what he means, my words about him kissing me when I've figured a few things out flash through my mind. I lean down more and nod.

"Now."

He leans up in the slightest and kisses me, my eye lids fluttering closed. This kiss is more desperate than our first and I can't feel anything other than gratitude towards this fact. His hold tightens and my fingertips land on his cheek. His lips are warm against mine; fluidly moving like we have all day when I just want to kiss him like it's our last day on earth. But I settle for the way he's kissing me right now and accept the touch of his hand on my hip, the other tangled in my hair. I don't know who initiated it, nor do I care, but somehow his tongue has found mine and the heated touches of his wet muscle made my toes curl. He tastes like Cherry Cola.

Even though his stay where he placed them, my hands keep pace with our mouths, caressing and exploring new territory. I almost feel embarrassed when my hands skim over his chest, up and down and side to side. Almost. I've decided that opening up to Eli didn't only concern Cam; it concerned everything I had been blocking out since his death. And this was definitely something I had never even thought about doing in the past year, until a few weeks ago when Eli took me to the train tracks.

I try to shift my body over his so it was more comfortable, nearly pulling back in shock when Eli's arm slid around me, holding me tightly to his body. His other hand cupped my cheek and he pulled his lips away briefly, breathing hard.

"I'm not done yet," he mutters, shaking his head. His eyes are wild and I find myself diving for his lips before he can blink. I arch my body into his and drag my fingernails down his t-shirt clothed chest, pressing my lips harder to his. I can't get enough and by the way he's holding me I'm sure he feels the same. But the more my hands explore his chest the more a tiny little thought begins to pluck at my brain.

"Wait," I say, pushing back on his chest to create some distance. "I have a question."

He looks at me, bewildered, like he can't believe I'm stopping this wonderful moment to ask a stupid question. To be honest I'm not sure why I'm doing it either.

"And you have to ask it right now?" His breathing is uneven and harsh, the cold air becoming obvious from his heated breath.

I shrug, "Yeah. I'm curious."

He lets his head fall back and closes his eyes. "What is your question?"

I bite my lip and my fingers twitch. His eyes snap open when my hand slides behind the material of his shirt and across his skin. I let my fingers wander upwards until I hit my destination, my fingertips grazing over the long scar on his rib cage. I'd noticed it before but never said anything. It's not my business. But I'm curios and this night is all about opening up.

"Where did you get this?" I ask.

His silence for the first minute should have been a hint for me to steer the conversation back to shutting the hell up and kissing the living daylights out of him, but I don't. He averts his gaze to the sky, his jaw locked. "A car accident."

I press my lips into a line. I can see the torture on his face and suddenly feel guilty for my curiosity. I lean down to kiss his lips, sensing the tension in his body, but he's already too far gone to continue our little make-out to continue. I sigh sadly and remove my hand before curling it to my chest and moving to lie beside him. He moves quickly and wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me back into his chest so I'm laying half on the roof top and half on him. My ear feels warm against his heartbeat.

"I think it's time we talk about someone's tragic life," he says quietly.

I take a deep breath, "Yeah, I guess. But I don't want you to treat me any differently because of what I've experienced."

Eli sits up then, taking me with him. He turns so we're cross legged and knee to knee, hands clasped with mine.

"Last week you opened up to me." His eyes are staring at something in the distance behind me as he picks up a rock and tosses it over my head and off the roof. Finally, he looks at me and says, "I want to return the favour."

"How?"

He takes a deep breath and looks me in the eyes. "Instead of talking about your tragic life, we're going to talk about mine."


	10. His Confession

**A/N:** You guys are too amazing. Thank you so much for the support. I think this is what everybody is waiting for. Hopefully I don't disappoint. Enjoy!

**Summary:** _After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page._

* * *

You know those moments when you see something so rare that it takes your breath away? You can't breathe and you would do anything to get the image out of your head, yet you continue to stare at it because for some sick, twisted reason you can't stop? This is one of those moments.

Eli eyes are oozing vulnerability. His lips are parted and I swear his bottom one is quivering. His fingers are locked tightly around mine, holding onto me as if I were a lifeline. I wasn't sure where this conversation would have gone, but I certainly didn't expect him to turn it around and open up to me.

"Okay," I say.

He takes a deep breath. "Um, well, I guess I should start with explaining why I have therapy. So, um, well, I'm bipolar."

I blink in surprise. Shaking my head in confusion, I open my mouth to say something and pause. I shake my head again. "That . . . that doesn't make any sense. You're like the least temperamental person I've ever met."

Eli's lips curl up slightly at my comment. He looks down at our hands. "Since high school I've learned how to keep calm in difficult situations, but I'm still a bitter piece of shit. Whenever I'm having a bad day I go to the tracks. Sometimes I draw, sometimes I read. Music helps." He shrugs nonchalantly and looks up at the stars.

"You took me to your safe haven," I say, more to myself than him.

Again, he shrugs. "It helps that you don't make me want to punch you in the face," he says and my eyes widen. He looks at me and chuckles, his eyes sparkling.

"So you go to therapy to make sure you're feeling . . . okay?" I ask. I've never known anyone with bipolar disorder, and Eli seems like the last person on earth who would be.

It takes him a second to nod, and there's a glint in his eyes that tells me he's hiding something. He's holding something back.

"Dr. Dawes helps me figure out what I'm feeling. I have medication that helps keep my emotions intact, but I don't have to take them unless I'm going insane. She made sure that I can still be myself without walking around like a fucking zombie," he explains.

I remove my hands from his. He retracts, slight disappointment etched on his face. Instead of moving away like I know he's expecting me to, I shift forward and place my legs on either side of his waist. He moves his legs to lie flat, trapping me between them. I place my arms on my bent knees and rest my hands on his sides. He looks into my eyes and slowly slides his arms around my legs, his hands gripping onto my thighs.

"So, you're bipolar," I say, tilting my head to the side. His face looks tired, yet he's glowing like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. "Anything else you'd like to share with me?"

His eyes pivot back and forth between mine, sudden fear flashing across his face. He's quick to recover, unlike me. I touch his cheek and he looks down. "Yes," he chokes out, "but I'm not ready."

I smile, "That's fine."

Eli smiles sadly, but it's a smile nonetheless, so I don't complain. He presses his lips into a line and looks at me warily. "Do you still want to talk about . . ."

"Cam," I say, because he's too scared to. He nods and I stare at his t-shirt. "You can say his name."

Eli clears his throat. "Do you still want to talk about Cam?"

I take a deep breath. Eli opened up, and I did tell him that I wanted to talk, so I nod. "I had a nightmare. During the week I distanced myself from you."

His hand rubs my thigh soothingly. "What about?"

I bite my tongue to remind myself not to cry. "I found his body, you know." It wasn't meant to be a question; it was a statement. Because I don't want him to answer. "I mean, I wasn't the first one. But I shouldn't have seen him like that."

I gasp in surprise when Eli scopes me up in his arm, moving me so I'm straddling him, our chests pressed tightly together. The only place I can put my hands are on his shoulders, so I do. Eli doesn't look at me. He buries his head into my shoulder and says, "Continue. I'm listening."

I swallow and rest my cheek against his head, staring at a tree in the distance. "He was living with his aunt and uncle at the time. I used to spend the majority of my time at their place; they were like my second family, I guess.

"Cam wasn't at school that day. He said goodbye to me the day before in a way that should have told me what he was planning on doing, but I didn't see it. So when he didn't show up the next day I figured he may have been sick. I stopped by to see if he needed some company and knew that I had lost him the moment I saw the front yard. There were cop cars everywhere, an ambulance, and his aunt and uncle were a mess."

I take a deep breath and feel Eli rub my back soothingly. I continue, "I think I broke about a dozen rules by running into that house and up to his room. I saw everything, Eli. There was blood, and a gun in his hand, and–"

I don't realize I'm crying until Eli lifts his head to silence me with a soft kiss. My bottom lip is quivering and I can taste my tears, and Eli brushes his fingers across my cheek. "You don't have to say any more."

"No, I need to get this out." I say, determined to finish what I started. I sigh and shake my head, closing my eyes. "Eli, what hurts the most is the fact that he looked more at peace lying dead in that bed than he had when he was alive."

He holds me then. He doesn't say anything; he doesn't try and force words of comfort down my throat; he just holds me. We stay like that for a while. He holds me as I try to calm down and even when I'm calm enough to form a complete sentence. He doesn't seem to want to let go, and I don't really want him to.

But eventually he mutters something about not being able to feel his legs and I sprint off his lap, much sooner than either of us would have liked. He stands and moans in bliss when he stretches his legs. I manage to climb down the ladder without falling, although Eli most likely would've broken my fall since he insisted he went down first. Eli walks me to my apartment, insisting that he'd feel a lot better knowing I arrived home safely. It is nearly five o'clock in the morning.

My eye lids are heavy and I'm dragging my body, but we manage to make it to my apartment. Eli's ready to say goodnight, but I'm not. I grab his hand and tug him up to my apartment door, feeling just about every good emotion there is when he doesn't protest. I manage to open the door with one hand, my other being occupied by Eli's curious fingers. He doesn't question me when I pull him inside, or when I gesture for him to take his jacket off, or when I push him into my bedroom. He doesn't question me when I begin to change into my pajamas, or when I climb in bed and gesture for him to join me. The room is illuminated by the slight brightness from the morning sun shining from outside and through the curtains.

I avert my gaze when he begins stripping, although I'm not sure why since I have already slept next to him while he was only in his boxers. Why was it so comforting then and slightly awkward now?

He climbs in beside me and not-so-subtly stares at the side of my face. He's taken off his jeans and t-shirt, clad in only his boxers, once again.

"Quit staring," I mutter.

It takes a moment for him to reply, and I don't expect an honest answer, though he gives me one anyway. "No." His voice is husky and low enough to make me feel it all the way down to my toes.

I'm quick to shift into a new position, and by the widening of his eyes and the parting of his lips I'm positive he wasn't expecting such a bold move. His face is so close that our noses are touching, and the fact that I threw my leg around his waist in a moment of rebellion made my heart beat all the more erratically. His hand grips my hip and I can't stop myself from kissing him. His skin is smooth beneath my palms as I grip his face, pressing our lips harder together. His tongue dominates my mouth in such a way that makes me want to submit myself to him at this very moment. Instead, I tighten my leg around him, pulling him on top of me.

He breaks from my lips long enough to trail about a dozen kisses down my neck, but is back to kissing me until I'm breathless in no time. I realize that if not breathing means I can kiss this man all day long then I'd gladly give up oxygen for good. I'm not sure if he notices that his hand has slipped beneath my shirt and onto my skin, because I don't notice until he grips my side and pulls me closer.

I'm on fire. My lips are tingling with the feeling of his, my body's screaming for more skin contact, and my mind is chanting his name with every kiss. His body is warm and his mouth even warmer.

"We should stop," he mutters between kisses.

He doesn't though.

I smile and nip his bottom lip, realizing that this little situation isn't as awkward as I thought it would be. If anything I feel more at peace in his arms than anywhere else.

Eli slows the kiss much sooner than I would've liked, and I'm feeling a sudden cold rush of loss run through me when he pulls his lips away. His eyes are sparkling in a way that warms my heart.

He moves to lie beside me, leaving me breathless and unable to focus on a single thought.

"You should really warn me the next time you do that," Eli mutters, sounding as out of breath as I am.

"Who says there will be a next time?" Even as I say the words I know there will definitely be a next time.

"Like I said before, I'm very optimistic."

* * *

Classes seem to drag on longer than they had in the beginning of the year. It may have to do with the fact that I have something to look forward to after class; Eli. Even so, this class drags on twice as long as normal. Staring at the clock doesn't help, and neither does tapping my pen on my notebook repeatedly. Nothing I do seems to speed up time, so I suffer in silence as the professor continues to talk about God knows what.

When class is dismissed I scramble to grab my books and bolt to the doors, the flutter feeling in my stomach returning. But before I can make it outside someone is calling my name. I spin around to see a girl whom I've never spoken to, though she's in a few of my classes.

"Yeah?"

She smiles and hands me a notebook. "You forgot this," she says kindly.

I take it with a small smile, "Thanks."

She sticks out her hand, "I'm Fiona."

I take her hand, "Clare."

She nods, her curls bouncing as she does. "So your notebook says," she teases.

I don't know what else to do other than laugh along with her, though I don't see what's funny. Her blue eyes sparkle with a hint of gray, making me feel a tad bit self-conscious. Her skin glows and her lips are the perfect shade of pink. I try to distract myself by playing with the coil on my notebook.

"Do you have plans for lunch?"

I blink in surprise. She's going to invite me to join her for lunch. I casually look around us, trying to see if she really is talking to me. When I realize we're the only two around, I turn my attention back to her.

"Actually I do." As soon as I say the words her perfect face falls, a frown replacing her dazzling smile. I'm at war with myself for about five seconds. Other than Eli, she is the only person who ever bothered talking to me, let alone try and have lunch with me. She's trying to make friends and I made a promise to myself and Dr. Dawes to try and be open to new people and new things. So I say, "What about tomorrow?"

Immediately her face brightens, her eyes lighting up. She nods happily, "Yes that works. I'll see you then."

I smile at her and give a nod before we bid our goodbyes and part ways.

By the time I make it to the picnic table to meet Eli, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what just happened. When my eyes land on Eli I push my confused thoughts to the side. He's lying on his back, his eyes closed to block the sun. I approach him as quietly as possible and grin down at him. I reach over and slam my hand onto his stomach, laughing hysterically when he jumps upward with a low grunt and grips his middle with his arm.

When he realizes it was me, he gives me a bewildered look and shakes his head at me. "You know, most girls would wake me with a kiss."

"Sorry to say, sleeping beauty, but I'm not your prince charming." I move to sit beside him and reach into my bag to grab an apple, handing it to him. He takes it and swings an arm around my shoulders.

"I don't know, I mean, you're very hansom." He grunts again when my elbow comes in contact with his side. "Kidding, kidding," he coughs.

"I met somebody," I say, staring out into the parking lot.

Eli pauses for a moment and shifts beside me. "Please elaborate," he says lowly.

I realize how my words must've sounded to him and am quick to speak up. I reach up to grab his hand that is dangling over my shoulder and lean into him. "I met a girl, Fiona. She's in a few of my classes and invited me to lunch tomorrow."

"Fiona Coyne?"

"I don't know her last name, but maybe? Why? Do you know her?"

Eli shrugs, "Not really. She's in my film studies class."

I nod and he tightens his arm around me. I pick at the whole in his jeans over his knee, twisting my lips from side to side. "I don't know if I want to go."

"To lunch? Why not? It's food," he teases, playfully shaking me.

I shrug, "I just don't like getting close to people."

"You got close to me just fine," he says. I know it's mean to be a small joke but I don't laugh.

I look up and meet his eyes, "Yeah, because you didn't judge me. We're similar in many ways and I guess that made me feel better about becoming your friend. But it's different when a girl like Fiona tries to become my friend. She's so fucking perfect and I'm so messed up and everything will eventually turn to shit. It always does."

I look at my hands to keep myself calm and shrug his arm off my shoulders. He shifts closer and tugs on my hand. "Clare, don't do that. Look, I understand, I really do. But Fiona's not perfect, she doesn't have many friends and I doubt she would judge you for the things you have been through."

"Don't talk to me like you're my therapist. I'm so sick of people talking to me like that. You don't know anything. You don't know for certain that she won't judge me and walk away and laugh in my face because I couldn't even stop my best friend from–"

I don't finish because Eli has pulled me into his chest and I don't have the strength to say what I want to without crying. There are too many people around and crying would show weakness.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help."

"I know," I mutter. "I just don't want any more help right now."

Eli opens his mouth to say something but snaps his mouth shut and looks to the sky, startled. Before I can ask what he's looking at a raindrop hits my cheek, and before I know it there's a full on downpour. Rain soaks my hair and clothes fast and hard, and Eli curses and gathers our things quickly before pulling me away from the picnic tables and into the parking lot. I use my text book to cover my head, my other hand griping Eli's fingers as we run. We finally make it to his Charger and he opens the door, shoving me inside before sprinting to his side and climbing in.

Once inside, I take a moment to realize that this is the first time Eli has ever let me even near his car. It's cleaner than expected, with only a few to-go bags lounging around and a pop bottle sitting in the front cup holder. Casting a glance to the back I see a few books splayed across the seat. I lean my temple on the headrest of my seat and look at Eli, moving the wet hair from my face.

"Nice car," I say softly.

Eli freeze's, his eyes glued to the steering wheel, and I realize what he's processing right now. Eli brought me here on impulse; he didn't intend on showing me his car any time soon. It was just an escape from the rain. What I don't understand is why it's such a big deal that I'm in his car. It's a car. Unless he's over protective of it, but Eli doesn't seem like the type of guy to love his car more than life itself.

"Thanks," he mutters and closes his eyes. He seems anxious, scared and uncomfortable. Frowning, I reach over to touch his cheek, my fingers grazing his ear when I move them to thread through his hair. His head falls to the headrest. His eyes are shut tightly, and he swallows. "Guess we have to wait until the rain stops."

My eyebrows push together, "Why can't you just drive me home?"

Eli's eyes open, but his face twists painfully. "I'm not doing that. We can wait."

"Eli," I say softly. "The storm could last all night."

He shrugs and in a blink his face is impassive. "Well, we can either sleep in here or walk home. Your choice."

I retract my hand and shift in my seat to face the windshield. I rub my forehead, "Why can't you just drive us to your place or something?"

"I said, no, Clare," he snaps. I look over and into his eyes; they're hard and on fire, pure anger blazing in them with a touch of fear. He blinks it away and turns to look outside his window.

I'm not sure why driving me home is such a big deal, and I huff to show my frustration. "I don't understand why you can't just drive me home."

"You don't need to understand. It's not your business."

As soon as he says it a wave of anger boils through my veins. I let out a long breath through my nose and turn to face the front. I place my hand on the handle of my door.

"Fine," I say, shoving the door open. "I'll walk."

I slam the door shut and stomp across the parking lot, ignoring the cold rain as it pounds down on me. It's difficult to see clearly, but I make due and continue my walk, anger seeping through me with every step. I'm a little hurt by his words. It's not my business? I told him the one thing I kept inside for over a year and he won't tell me why he can't drive me home? Maybe I was wrong about him. I thought he was the one person who I could trust, who I could let it, but instead he's someone who likes to play games. Well I don't want to play this game and, honestly, I don't think it's fair.

"Jesus, Clare, stop!" Eli's voice breaks through my thoughts and I turn to see him running toward me. I glare at him as he runs up to me, and soon he's breathing heavily in front of me. "You don't understand."

"You're right, I don't understand, but you don't seem to care enough to help me figure it out," I bark at him. I'm cold and angry and hurt, and most definitely not in the mood for this.

He frowns, "I do care."

I scoff, "Could've fooled me."

He rubs his face and looks around us, scanning the deserted school grounds. "You're not the only one with a past, you know."

I narrow my eyes at him. "I know that, Eli. But you won't let me in enough to see yours. I trusted you and told you a big part of my life, and you won't let me in on the stupid reason as to why you won't drive me home. That's not fair to me. I feel like you would do anything to find out my dirty little secrets, and I have to sit here wondering why you act like this every time I bring up your car."

He's staring at a tree, but when I finish he turns to look at me. His face is serious and his jaw is locked as he steps forward, until we're an inch away from being nose to nose.

"That's not true. I let you in, I told you about my disorder. I'll admit there are things I'm holding back but that's because I don't want to see the look on your face when you realize just how much of a fuck up I am. I don't want this to be our last day together because once you know everything there is to know about my past you won't think twice about leaving."

His shoulders slump and he inhales sharply. "I don't want to lose you, okay? And as soon as I tell you what you want to know you'll be walking out of my life without so much as a glance my way. I'm not ready for that."

If I were any other girl, that would have been enough to get me to drop the subject and jump into his arms. But the problem is that I'm not any other girl. I'm me; the girl with a dead best friend, the girl who is sick and tired of being walked on, the girl who has learned a thing or two about trust. And right now, I don't trust Eli.

So I push at his chest and glare at him. "Bullshit. Tell me why you won't drive me home."

Eli's eyes narrow and then a cold glare replace his confused eyes. "No."

I shove at his chest again and say, "Fucking tell me, Eli!"

"No!" He says, taking my aggressive behaviour.

"Tell me, dammit!" I try again, this time much harder and continue to shove at his chest. He steps back with each shove, and I scream, "Just fucking tell me!"

In one swift move he grabs my wrists and pulls me to him, our noses just about touching as his cold glare holds my quivering eyes. Then, he screams the words I never would have expected to hear laced with his beautiful voice.

"I killed someone!"


	11. I Have Secrets, I Have Scars

**A/N:** This chapter broke my heart to write, but it's a major detail. Also, the song that sets the mood for this chapter is _Sometimes_ by _Melanie Horsnell_. Take a listen and put that sucker on repeat. Thank you for your support. Love you all.

**Summary:** _After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page._

* * *

I've had plenty of moments when breathing was one of the most difficult things to do. When I found out that K.C. left me for Jenna I couldn't breathe for about two seconds. When my parent's divorced, I chocked on air. When my mom married Glen faster than I could say step-dad I stopped breathing. When I saw Cam lying in his bed, dead, I thought I would never breathe again.

And when Elijah Goldsworthy told me he killed someone, I stopped breathing long enough to be considered dead.

His eyes are dark, his lips twisted with anger. But he realizes what he's said and I silently watch his eyes water and his face turn into a look of agonizing pain.

"What?" I gasp out, sucking in a breath of air for the first time in God knows how long.

Eli let's go of me, stepping back a few times with shock. His hair is matted to his forehead, and I'm sure mine is much worse. My body is cold and my lips are quivering, but that isn't something I'm worried about right now.

Eli looks up at me and I watch his face break. I'm not sure if he's crying because the rain make's it too hard to tell, but his face is twisted in so much self-hatred that I realize I'm missing something. There's more to his words, which gives me hope.

"What do you mean?" I ask softly.

Eli shakes his head and closes his eyes. He takes a breath and stands there, unmoving. "I killed someone. What don't you understand?"

His demeanour has changed and I take a step toward him. He's a mix of emotions and I'm not sure which one I can trust. He's sad, angry, broken, and now impassive.

"Wh–how?" I manage to choke out.

Eli opens his eyes and looks at me. He shrugs and turns to face away from me. "Does it matter? I killed someone, Clare."

I can feel my whole body shaking. My chest is squeezing shut and my heart is pounding and my stomach is twisting in such a way that I want to bend over and cry out in pain.

No.

No way.

This _can't_ be happening.

"Now that you know, you have two choices. You can play the part of the stubborn naive girl and keep talking to me, or you can walk away now and never be bothered by my presence again. I'd choose the latter if I were you," Eli says, his voice unrecognizable. He doesn't sound like himself, nor does he look like himself. He's different. This confession has changed him. Maybe it's a wall he's built or an act of defense, I'm not sure. Maybe it's the truth. I don't know for certain.

"I want you to explain to me what happened," I say.

Eli snaps his head in my direction and stomps over to me. His eyes are dark and dangerous, making me quivering slightly.

"I fucking killed someone, Clare! I took a life. I'm a bipolar freak who _killed someone_. If you're stupid enough to look past that then maybe you're not who I thought you were. Now leave and don't look back."

And because his voice is low and sharp, his eyes blazing with anger, his words hit me hard. At this very moment, he's serious. He's not kidding. He wants me out of his life.

So I take a step back, hold his gaze for a second longer, and turn to walk away.

Just like he ordered, I don't look back.

* * *

The past week has been hell, to be bluntly honest. I haven't slept and I've barely eaten. I can't move on from Eli's confession. I'm not even sure if he's telling the truth. How can I be sure that he is telling the truth? All I know is that he's bipolar, he's terrified of driving me anywhere and he claims to have killed someone.

I walked away from him. I left because he told me to. Maybe I have been looking for an escape this whole time. Maybe our little friendship wasn't meant to last. I've grown in these past few months, and I've learned a lot, but was that all it was meant to be? A short friendship with someone who is possibly more fucked up than I am? Just to show me that I'm not the only one feeling like this? Maybe, and maybe not. Either way, I walked away from Eli.

The small tug on my heart that appears every time I think of him tells me that it wasn't supposed to end this way. I haven't left my bed today and it's nearly four in the afternoon. I haven't felt the need to get up on a Saturday knowing Eli isn't waiting for me at the library.

He avoided me all week. I saw him once when our paths crossed accidentally. After that it was like he was gone. Maybe he didn't even bother going to his classes. It seems he went through a great deal to avoid me.

I get up from my bed anyway and take a shower. It doesn't make me feel better. Getting dressed in jeans felt wrong, but I do it anyway. I'm planning to do some research and I should look the least bit presentable while I do. I throw my hair up and pull on a hoodie before leaving the apartment, keys and phone in hand.

It's a gloomy day, matching how I feel. The walk to the library is longer than I would have liked, but I get there nonetheless. Before I can enter though, Fiona waves to me and walks to meet me, her heels clicking and clacking. She reaches me and I give a weak smile.

"Hey Clare," she smiles.

"Hi Fiona."

"I was wondering, have you talked to Eli lately? He's my partner on a project we have for Film Studies and he hasn't shown up to class in the past three days. I mean, it's not like that made a difference. He's been upset lately. Very out of it," she says. It's obvious she's worried about him and I wonder if he knows that I'm not the only one who cares about him. She continues, "Anyway, do you have his number? Our project is due in two days and I've been doing all the work."

I blink at her. After a moment of collecting my thoughts I say, "Yeah, do you have a pen?"

She grabs one from her bag and hands it to me. I write down his number on her hand, ignoring the thought that he might not like that I gave away his number. But if they're partner's maybe he won't care.

"Thanks! You're a life saver. What are you up to?"

I shrug, "Just came to do some research."

Fiona nods and presses her lips together in a smile. "Well, I have to go meet my brother. He's back from New York for the weekend and I'm already late. Oh! We still need to have that lunch date. Monday good for you?"

I realize that turning her down for the second time would be rude, so I accept and she skips on her merrily way. I enter the library and make my way to the computers. I'm not exactly sure on what I'm looking for, but if Eli won't tell me what I want to know then I'm going to have to dig for it.

Clicking on the homepage, I search my brain for any clues that I can type. I know he was in a car accident, but what year? I don't even know if he lived here when it happened. I moved from my hometown because the memories of Cam were too much, so maybe he did too. I bring my hands to my face and groan in frustration. I would ask him but I know for a fact that he won't tell me.

I take a deep breath and sit up more. I decide to do everything I can to find out what I need to know. So I search up car accidents in the nearby areas in the last three years. There are tons of results, so I try and narrow it down by typing in the name Eli. Who knew there were so many Eli's that drove recklessly? I add his last name then, and am grateful when the result is smaller.

That's when I see it. It's an article about Eli dated about almost two years ago. I skim it briefly, reading about the horrid details of this accident. By the end of the article I want to cry. It makes sense. Why Eli never offered to drive me anywhere. Why he was so keen on keeping me in the dark. Why he looked so painfully tortured by the fact that he had confessed such a secret to me. I understand it all, and I want Eli to explain it to me in his own words. Articles keep major details out, and although I'm pretty sure I know what happened that night, I want him to tell me.

I quickly exit out of everything and sprint for the door. I run across the lawn, through the path and across the street leading to his house. I'm breathless when I reach his front door and take a moment to collect myself before knocking rapidly. I don't wait long before knocking again. I know he's in there. His car is in the driveway and there are a few lights on inside. I knock again, and suddenly the door swings open.

Eli's looking at me with a mixture of surprise, boredom and confusion. He's wearing a white shirt and a pair of gray sweats, but they don't distract me from the dark circles under his eyes. His face is tired, making me wonder if he hasn't been sleeping either.

I don't wait for him to invite me in. I push open his front door and step inside, our faces so close that our noses almost brush. He watches me curiously and his eyes follow the door when I close it.

"It wasn't your fault," I state.

Eli's eyebrows pull in. "What?"

"I need you to tell me what happened that night, Eli."

The look that takes over his face tells me he knows what I'm talking about. He looks down and doesn't say anything. I sigh softly and kick off my shoes, grab his hand and pull him through his house and down the hall. I pull him through his bedroom door and close it behind us. His room doesn't look any different from the last time I was here. Messier, but not different.

I leave the light off and pull him to sit on his bed. I lie down and drape an arm over my eyes.

"Start from the beginning," I demand softly. He doesn't speak, making me drop my arm. I stare at the ceiling and place my hands on my stomach, fiddling my fingers. "Please, Eli . . . just tell me what happened."

He moves to lie beside me, and we both stare at the ceiling. "He was my best friend."

I close my eyes and bite my tongue to keep from crying. This is what he meant when he told me we aren't so different. He's talking about Adam.

"That night started off amazing. It was one of the best nights of my life. We went to the Dead Hand concert. You remember when I told you about Morty?"

I recall the hearse and nod.

"We took him. On the way back . . . we were hit by a drunk driver. He ran a red light." He pauses and takes a breath, and I wait patiently while he collects himself. "I lost a lot of blood, broke my ribs and my leg. Adam," he chokes on the word and lets out a deep breath. "Adam died on impact."

I can feel my lip quiver at the sound of his voice when he says the last sentence. He's in so much pain right now, reliving that night, and I feel nothing but guilt for bringing it upon him.

"I was driving. I should've seen it coming, but I didn't. I killed him, Clare."

I quickly wipe at my tears before turning and pressing my body into the side of his, wrapping my leg and arm around him and digging my head into his neck. His body tenses and he inhales sharply, but he doesn't hug me back. I run my fingers through his hair and rest my chin on his shoulder.

"You can't blame yourself, you know," I say softly. "It was an accident. It was a drunk driver and–"

"Don't," Eli cuts me off. "I've heard so many bullshit stories about how it wasn't my fault, Clare. I don't need one from you."

I touch his cheek and turn his face towards mine. His eyes are closed and he still doesn't touch me. "Eli, I'm not going to give you a bullshit excuse. We all carry these things inside us that no one can see and I know it's hard, I really do, but please don't blame yourself. You weren't drinking and driving and you didn't run a red light. That poor excuse of a man broke the law and cost someone their life, but it was not your fault."

Eli's face crumbles and his bottom lip quivers. His body rolls over and into mine, his forehead falling to my chest. I cradle his head as he cries, holding his shaking form. His arms are tight around me and I touch my cheek to the top of his head, letting my own tears fall. The broken boy in my arms is more troubled than I would've ever imagined and my heart clenches. He's right; we're not so different after all.

"I should've stopped it." His voice quivers and his body twitches. I hold him tighter.

"You couldn't have stopped it even if you tried, Eli."

He stutters, "I–I could've swerved or had been more aware or . . . or stopped. I should've done _something_."

I close my eyes and press a kiss to the top of his head. "There was nothing you could've done. You have to believe that."

When he doesn't respond I know he doesn't believe me. But he doesn't say anything more, so I don't either.

* * *

The faint tickling of something on my cheek wakes me. Opening my eyes I blink repeatedly, taking in my surroundings. Walls with posters of bands I'm unfamiliar with come into my line of vision, and I don't have to ask anyone where I am. I turn my head to look at Eli and he retracts his fingers from my cheek. I wipe the sleep away from my eyes and give him a small smile. Instead of returning it, he leans in close to my face, an unanswered question in his eyes. He stops close enough for our noses to touch but doesn't go further. I inhale sharply when I realize what his intentions are; he wants to kiss me but is scared of my reaction. He wants to see where we stand now that all of the baggage between us has been revealed.

In answer, I lean up and touch my lips to mine. Immediately he relaxes, his body collapsing into mine. His arm swoops behind me and pulls me as close as possible and his lips mold with mine with heated passion. My hand touches his neck and I respond to his kiss with urgency. Eli's showed me plenty of times just how much he cares, and now it's my turn to return the favor.

"Eli," I whisper softly against his lips. My intention is to tell him that I want to talk but he doesn't stop kissing me long enough for me to get another word out. I cup his face in my hands and pull him into a deep kiss that leaves us both breathless. When we break for air I take my chance.

"I need you to listen to me for a moment," I say.

Eli closes his eyes and bows his head. "Okay."

I touch his cheek and force him to look into my eyes. I take a deep breath. "I care about you. A lot. And that scares me. You've helped me in many ways and I thank you for that. I hope that you'll let me in enough to try and help you overcome this. I'm telling you this because if we continue this relationship . . . I'm going to get attached."

I want to say that I'm going to fall in love with him, but showing such vulnerability isn't my forte. Letting him see just how much power he has over me will set me up for heartbreak, and I'm not ready for that.

Eli's lips curl on one side and he shakes his head so his bangs fall into his eyes. "That's okay."

I smile and he moves to lie on his side, and I follow so I'm facing him. "How long was I out?"

"I love you."

I freeze for a moment. Relaxing a bit, I say, "That's an answer I wasn't expecting."

Eli shrugs and rolls onto his back, his eyes locked on the ceiling. "It's okay to get attached to me because I'm already attached to you."

My phone rings. Eli blinks at the ceiling as I dig in my pocket and pull out my phone. I answer it without looking at the caller ID.

"Hello?"

"Hey Clare, just checking in to see how you are." It's Jake. I lick my lips and reach over to grab Eli's hand. He doesn't look at me as his fingers close around mine.

"I'm good, Jake. Why?"

"Why must you ask why? Can't an older brother be worried about whether not his younger sister is happy or not?"

I roll my eyes. "You're always worried. But really, I'm good. I'm . . . happy."

Jake pauses. "It's Eli, isn't it?"

My lips curl up as I stare at Eli's face. "Yeah. It's Eli."

"If he hurts you I swear I'll have his balls on a silver platter," he threatens.

I smile. "You've said that already."

Jake grunts, "Whatever. Just make sure he treats you right."

"You have nothing to worry about," I say and hang up before he can respond.

I throw my phone to the side and quickly scramble to straddle Eli. He looks up at me with wide eyes and I cup his face in my hands. I press my lips to his repeatedly, giving him dozens of kisses before I pull back enough to look into his eyes.

"I'm not ready to love you yet, Eli. But one day I swear to God I'll love you with everything I have."

He touches his lips to mine and I respond with a promising kiss. It's rushed and too fast to even count as a kiss, but it's filled with emotion and so much fiery passion that I can feel it in my toes. And I know that I'm ready to fall, with the hope that this man is willing to catch me.

Pulling back from his lips, I stare wide-eyed at him. "I gave Fiona your number. She said you missed your last three classes of Film Studies and she was doing all the work and I thought that was unfair and I'm sorry if you're mad but-"

Eli's laugh cuts me off. "I'm not mad. I'm so fucking far from mad. I don't care about that. I care about the fact that you're here, with me."

I sigh contently and nod my head a couple of times, "Yeah, I am." I grip onto the collar of his shirt and rest my forehead on his, carefully pressing our lips together. "I'm here."


	12. Haunting You, Haunting Me

**A/N:** Wow. It's been a while, huh? Well, I am sorry for that. This chapter isn't very long, and to be honest it's not great, but I knew I couldn't leave you guys with that last chapter. To answer most of your guys' question, no this story is not over. It just might take me a while to finish it, and to be honest I don't know when the next chapter will be updated. I know it's summer, but I don't have a lot of time and even less motivation. But I do promise this: I will finish this story even if it is the last thing I do. You guys deserve it. Thank you for your support through this story. I love you guys. Xoxo

**Summary:** _After the death of a friend, Clare Edwards begins to question everything about herself and turns to books for reassurance. Intrigued by her aura of mystery, Eli Goldsworthy decides to get inside her head by reading every book she's ever read, unlocking secrets to her mind with every page._

* * *

Waking with a start, I blink to see the letters of an alarm clock. Taking notice of the fact that it's not mine, the memories of last night come rushing back. I don't freak out when I reach over to find that Eli isn't in bed with me. Instead I take a deep breath and let it out through my nose. Last night wore me out more than I would have expected. The past week has been way too much for someone like me to handle.

Getting out of bed seems more effortless than it had been the previous day. I feel more awake now that my mind is clear and I have comfort in knowing that Eli trusts me enough to let me in. I don't see him on the couch when I walk out into the living room, and the sound of a dish tapping the counter in the kitchen catches my attention. Walking into the kitchen makes me squint, this side of the house brighter than the rest. Eli comes into view, standing at the stove and he's flipping some eggs in a pan. I can smell bacon, and he turns to flip that as well.

"Morning sunshine," I say as I step behind him, ruffling his hair.

He swiftly turns to face me, the spatula placed in his right hand. "Hi," he breathes.

I want to touch him, or kiss him, or hold him, but neither option seems appropriate at this moment. He turns back to face the food and scratches his arm.

"I uh, I made breakfast. I mean, I don't really know how you like your eggs or if you even like eggs or if you like bacon – oh God, you're not a vegetarian are you? Shit, um, we can just–"

"Whoa, okay I'm gonna stop you right there." I tilt my head and stare at him with an amused smile. "You don't have to be nervous."

He laughs one of those it's-not-really-funny laughs and says, "I am not nervous." When I give him a look he sighs, places the spatula down and turns to face me. "Look, I just spilled my deepest secret to you last night so yeah, I'm a little nervous, but you avoided me for a week after you told me about Cam so can you really blame me?"

"I don't blame you for being nervous," I shake my head. Reaching for his hand, I continue, "I'm just saying there isn't a reason _to be_ nervous."

Eli's eyes pivot between my own and he sighs. "Fine, then I made breakfast. Would you care to join me for some burnt bacon, runny eggs and a marathon of horrible movies?" I push my eyebrows in and he shrugs, "What? I'm not a good cook."

I laugh and walk over to where his toaster is. Opening the cupboard above it, I find what I'm looking for and pull out the bread. I place two pieces of bread inside and pull down the lever. Turning back to Eli, I press my lips in a thin line.

"I have an appointment with Dr. Dawes this morning, and afterward I'm supposed to meet Jake and Katie for lunch. Jake says he has a surprise for me and, as much as I'd like to miss out on that more than likely horrendous gift, I can't bail."

Eli nods with a smile. "That's okay. I'm sure I can scarf all of this down by myself."

"Hey now, you made breakfast and I intend on eating my fair share. Toast?" I pull out my two toasted pieces and put in another two when he nods. Biting down on my bottom lip, I ask, "Would you like to join us?"

"Hmm?" Eli questions and places the food on two plates.

"Lunch," I say. "Would you like to join us?"

He looks up then, and his eyes widen slightly. "I don't know. I mean, I'm genuinely fond of my balls."

I let out a very embarrassing snort and cover my mouth with my hand to keep from laughing. I shake my head and say, "He'll only keep his word if you hurt me."

Giving me a skeptical look, he says, "I still don't trust him."

I nod and turn to grab the freshly toasted bread before bringing all four pieces to the table. I butter my toast and then pile my eggs on one piece, then the bacon, and then finish it off with the other piece of toast, making it into a sandwich. Lifting it to my mouth and bracing myself for its delicious goodness, I'm surprised when I don't get a chance to taste it because Eli places his finger under my chin and pulls my face to the side and covers my lips with his.

I don't hesitate to place my sandwich down. Reaching up, I press the tips of my fingers into his neck and through the hair at the nape of his neck. One of his hands is placed on the small of my back, guiding my body closer to his. His lips are soft and unrushed, slowly and carefully moving with mine. I want to taste him, but he pulls away before I have the chance. His eyes are bright. He leans his forehead against mine and I stare at his lips, watching them curl into a small smile.

"If going to lunch with Jake, who may or may not remove me of my manhood, means I can continue doing that, then hell yes I'll join you for lunch."

I kiss him again before turning to my sandwich. Eli watches me as I take a bite of it, and after watching him lick his lips I offer him a bite. He takes one, and with slight widening of his eyes, turns to make his own breakfast sandwich.

* * *

Something about seeing Eli waiting for me outside of Dr. Dawes's office is exhilarating and I can't help but feel the need to make a fool out of myself by running into his arms. I don't though, because the smile on his face when he sees me has paralyzed all of my senses.

"For a girl who has just finished an appointment with Dr. Dawes you seem to be in a good mood," Eli says when I reach him. His teasing is refreshing and I smile at him. "Anything interesting happen?"

A frown instantly replaces the smile on my face when I realize I'm still keeping secrets from Eli. We've opened up to each other, and I'm thankful that I have someone to trust, but there's still more to my story and I'm not sure how he will feel knowing I withheld information from him.

I clear my throat, "Um, we talked about Cam."

Eli gives a nod, and I'm unsure of whether it was a sign to continue or if it was a gesture indicating that I didn't have to say more. Either way, I continue.

"He left me a note," I say, picking at a loose string on his shirt. "It explained why he did it, and how sorry he is that he left me to fend for myself, but that it was something he had to do. He told me to never forget him, as he won't forget me either."

Eli's silent for a moment. "Cam left you a note?"

I give a nod and finally look up into his eyes. "Sort of like a goodbye. I guess he knew me well enough to know I would have gone crazy if he didn't explain himself, which is kind of funny since I've gone crazy anyway."

"Hey," he says, taking a step forward. He presses a finger to my jaw, holding my gaze. "You're not crazy. You've come so far since his death, and I can see just how much stronger you are than you were the day we first met."

A small flicker of a smile touches my lips; Eli's comfortable enough to talk about Cam freely without the fear of hurting me in the process. I hate when people are cautious about talking about Cam around me, and knowing that Eli has picked up on that makes me lean forward and kiss him. It's quick, and when I pull back he looks at me with confused tenderness.

"Come on, Jake and Katie are waiting."

I grab his hand and pull him alongside me, but he removes his hand and curls it around my neck, bringing me into him. His lips brush a kiss to my temple as I wrap my arm around his waist.

Reaching the little restaurant Jake told me to meet him at I see the top of his head poking through the crowd of people dining outside. Katie spots us and waves, and Eli puts a decent amount of distance between us. His fingers grip mine tightly before he let's go and, before we reach the table, Eli gives my bottom a light tap, and places a smile on his face. I stop in my tracks, but not because of Eli's behaviour. There's someone else at the table, and when he grins at the sight of me and gives a nod, I feel my mouth fall open.

"Long time no see, Little Edwards."

"Mike Dallas?"

He grins, "In the flesh."

I run to make my way to the table and jog around to the side as Dallas stands up. He wraps his arms around me, enveloping me in a tight hug and laughs at my surprised expression.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, pulling back to look at him. "I haven't seen you since the funeral." I can feel myself inwardly flinch at my choice of words, but knowing I need to stop being so afraid to mention Cam's death, I don't let it show how much it hurt to say them.

His eyes soften at the mention of Cam, but he's almost as good at hiding his feelings as I am. He smiles, "Well I saw Jake at the store a while back and he mentioned that you don't live too far away and we put our heads together and here I am. I'm only in town for the weekend, though."

Katie raises a finger, "Excuse me, where's my cred? Do you honestly think these bozos could have pulled this off without my help?"

I smile at her and then turn back to Dallas. "It's good to see you."

"You as well, Clare."

I make my way over to my seat across from Dallas and Eli joins me. "Mike, this is Eli. Eli, Mike."

Dallas gives me a soft glare before returning his attention to Eli and saying, "Please, call me Dallas."

They shake hands. I can feel how uncomfortable Eli is. He's putting up a good front but I know when he doesn't feel welcome. I cross my legs and reach under the table to place my hand on his knee briefly, to let him know I'm glad he's with me.

We order and after our drinks are brought to the table Dallas informs me of the past year. His school is great and he's got an amazing hockey team and he's living the college dream. We eat and chat about anything and everything, and when asked about my life I keep it brief and obvious that it's not very exciting. I think about mentioning Eli and I's relationship, but the moment I open my mouth I'm reminded that I'm not even sure where we stand. It was never officially said and I don't want to scare him away by saying the wrong thing, so I just keep my mouth shut.

Lunch doesn't go quite as planned. Every time Dallas speaks or smiles it reminds me of the times we had in high school; with Cam. Nearly every memory I have that involves Dallas involves Cam and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It makes me a little upset that every time Dallas laughs I think of one of Cam's stupid jokes and how Dallas would laugh so he wouldn't feel bad. Dallas is a great guy and a good friend but it's hard to look at him without seeing Cam.

By the end of lunch, I feel like I'm going to vomit. I've barely touched my food but no one seems to notice.

"Damn, I'm stuffed," Dallas says.

Jake reaches over and grabs the piece of garlic bread on Dallas's plate and says, "Great, so you won't mind if I have this."

Dallas shakes his head in laughter at Jake. Katie flicks a grape at him but laughs anyway. We pay and stand, heading toward the road.

Dallas turns to me as we walk, "Do you have plans tomorrow night? I'd like to catch up some more."

His smile is bright and honest, and I hesitate a moment. Eli takes a step closer to me, and I can tell it's a way of silently telling Dallas I'm off limits. I feel a bit of a flutter in my stomach when Eli's fingers brush against mine, but the feeling is gone too soon when he shoves his hand in his pocket. I know that Dallas isn't looking for anything more than to mend our friendship, but it is obvious Eli doesn't.

"I have to write a paper but maybe we could all meet up for drinks around eight?" I ask, eyeing Jake and Katie. I can feel Eli's gaze on me but I don't look at him.

They all agree and I wave to Dallas when he steps into his car and drives down the street.

"See you tomorrow, Clare-Bear," Jake says, ruffling my hair and hopping into his truck. Katie smiles in parting and follows him, and Eli and I watch them drive away.

"You don't have to write a paper," Eli says as soon as they're out of view.

"No, but I'd rather not spend the whole day with someone who reminds me of everything I left behind."

Eli doesn't speak, but his hand touches mine and he pulls me along the sidewalk. "Understandable. I'd probably lose it if Adam's brother paid me a friendly visit."

I twist my fingers with Eli's. "You didn't tell me he had a brother."

Eli shrugs, "Never came up. His name is Drew."

I kick a rock with my foot and play with the sleeve of Eli's black button down. "Did he blame you?" My voice is quiet and I dread the deathly look that I'm bound to receive from Eli for even asking such a thing.

Eli frowns but doesn't look at me. "No. Adam's family kept telling me it wasn't my fault, but once I blamed myself there was no turning back."

I look up at his face and realize just how sad and tense he looks. Tugging on his hand, I pull him to the side of a brick building. Eli looks around and then at me.

"It wasn't your fault, Eli."

"Do we really have to have this conversation here?" His eyes are desperate.

"No, but I hate seeing the way this is eating you alive. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It was an accident," I tell him, desperate for him to listen.

"Yeah," he replies sadly, kicking a pebble with his foot. "Maybe someday I'll believe you."


End file.
